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The Internet is viewed as an excellent means pf communication by many. However, there are some who would argue that it is actually destroying our communication skills. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

The Internet is viewed as an excellent means pf communication by many. However, there are some who would argue that it is actually destroying our communication skills. v. 1
Many people prefer to share their data with many technology companies, which allow people to approach or use their application. However, I believe this would come with huge risk, especially when the data misuse by companies. So the advantages do not overcome the disadvantages. By allowing access to personal or private data by a technology company, could have a lot of benefits for most of the people. People can have full access to any software, which makes their life easier and productive. For example, Skype a video conference software needs privilege into a microphone, camera and pictures. However, some company takes this leverage of accessing user data, to sell it into other agencies such as advertisements, which put people at risk by compromising their privacy. Providing companies with the privilege to access our data could violate our privacy and security. Some application gathers information and tracks every single activity done by the users. Gathering information would expose a person's life into unwanted meddlesome. Which may use this information in blackmail purposes. For instance, Google tracks every person's activity, 2 years ago Google plus was exposed all the user data on the internet, which used by another to blackmail people. Therefore, the threat of misuse of the data could be dangerous to many people. In conclusion, sharing data with an application must be controlled at a level that can afford the use of personal data which keeps a person's privacy safe. In my opinion, the disadvantages of sharing personal data outweigh the advantages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to approach or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their application.

However
, I believe this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
,
especially
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
misuse by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the advantages do not overcome the disadvantages.

By allowing access to personal or private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
by a technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits for most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
can have full access to any software, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their life easier and productive.
For example
, Skype a video conference software needs privilege into a microphone, camera and pictures.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
takes this leverage of accessing user
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, to sell it into other agencies such as advertisements, which put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
by compromising their privacy. Providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
with the privilege to access our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
could violate our privacy and security.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
application gathers information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
every single activity done by the users. Gathering information would expose a person's life into unwanted meddlesome.

“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this information in blackmail purposes.
For instance
, Google
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
every person's activity, 2 years ago Google plus
was exposed
all the user
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
on the internet, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by another to blackmail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
, the threat of misuse of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
with an application
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be controlled
at a level that can afford the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
a person's privacy safe. In my opinion, the disadvantages of sharing personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
outweigh the advantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The Internet is viewed as an excellent means pf communication by many. However, there are some who would argue that it is actually destroying our communication skills. v. 1

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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