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Some people say that the government should not put money on building theatres and sports stadiums. They should spend more money on medical care and education. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that the government should not put money on building theatres and sports stadiums. They should spend more money on medical care and education. v. 2
Education and medical treatment are an indispensable element of society. Many people argue that the judiciary should not invest money on construction of theatres and sports stadiums. Instead they should use the money on medical amenities and education. I concur with them. My inclination is justified further. To begin with the first cause of agreement, it seems that day by day detrimental accidents are increasing. This is to say, if victims do not obtain proper treatment immediately then one would lose his life. Besides excellent medical care would enhance the longevity of people. This is because, citizens will not face critical incidents. For example, people in developed countries have longer life due to magnificent medical care. As we ponder further, another aspect is that education is a vital factor to secure a job in this cutthroat era. By this I mean that, one with advanced education would find jobs effortlessly than others. The rearmost coherent factor to be considered is that better education would certainly boost up the nation’s economy. To substantiate, Canada has wider economy due to superb education and medical service rendered by local juridic. On the contrary, some people would vote in favor of creation of theatres and stadiums. The top-notch argument they do is that those buildings produce recreation in humans. This is because, people would get relief from routine over stressed work by attending events in theatres. Moreover, this would promote, competitive gaming events in the country in which many people can participate. For, instance, London has many domestic cricket events due to innumerable sports stadiums. To conclude, it can be finally commented that although theatres and stadiums are recreational sources, education, and medical amenities would certainly exacerbate territory’s economy. In addition, advanced medical care would increase the life span of individuals.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatment are an indispensable element of society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the judiciary should not invest money on construction of
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and sports stadiums.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Instead
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
amenities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. I concur with them. My inclination
is justified
further
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the
first
cause of agreement, it seems that day by day detrimental accidents are increasing. This is to say, if victims do not obtain proper treatment immediately then one would lose his life.
Besides
excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care would enhance the longevity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, citizens will not face critical incidents.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
have longer life due to magnificent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care.

As we ponder
further
, another aspect is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is a vital factor to secure a job in this cutthroat era. By this I mean that, one with advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
would find jobs
Use "(effortlessly)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
effortlessly
than others. The rearmost coherent factor to
be considered
is that better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
would
certainly
boost up the nation’s economy. To substantiate, Canada has wider economy due to superb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
service rendered by local juridic.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would vote in favor of creation of
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and stadiums. The top-notch argument they do is that those buildings produce recreation in humans. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relief from routine over
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
work by attending
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
.
Moreover
, this would promote, competitive gaming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in the country in which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can participate. For, instance, London has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
domestic cricket
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
due to innumerable sports stadiums.

To conclude
, it can be
finally
commented that although
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and stadiums are recreational sources,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
amenities would
certainly
exacerbate territory’s economy.
In addition
, advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care would increase the life span of individuals.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the government should not put money on building theatres and sports stadiums. They should spend more money on medical care and education. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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