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Some people say the government should not put money into building theatres and sports stadiums they should spend more money on medical care and education To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion v.1

Some people say the government should not put money into building theatres and sports stadiums they should spend more money on medical care and education with this opinion v. 1
It is often thought by some people that wealth and material belongings are the measurement criteria of success. In my opinion, wealth is not the effective way to measure success as there are many other factors like good family relationship, health and dream career that make a person successful. Certainly, the industrial science has changed the face of communication that is a key to have a strong link. Because in the past, it took months to communicate with a person, who is living in the other part of the world. But, the invention of mobile phones has made it possible to communicate with any person at any time. For example, a person, who is working in another city or country can have a video call with his family, which ultimately stronger his relation with them. Furthermore, strangers become friends and friends are getting closer to each other every day. After the invention of social networking websites and mobile applications, everyone is able to contact with anyone. Also, the friends can get the notification of incoming birthdays of their loved ones, even it allows to wish them online. Moreover, it has strengthened the relation tween teachers and students. For example, teachers can teach their students by using online class setup, such as YouTube live or Khan online academy. On the other hand, mechanization has some negative effects. For instance, before such rapid ways of communication, people loved to visit the park in the evening. They share their problems and happy moments with their friend. But later on, it has completely vanished from our lives and unwillingly, a term “online friends” appeared. To conclude, technology has no doubt revolutionised the way we interact and hang out, but has greatly reduced real-world interaction. Though these virtual relations tend to be positive, we should not deny the importance of physical interaction in our lives
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that wealth and material belongings are the measurement criteria of success. In my opinion, wealth is not the effective way to measure success as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
family relationship, health and dream career that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
successful.

Certainly
, the industrial science has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the face of communication
that is
a key to have a strong link.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in the past, it took months to communicate with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, who is living in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
part of the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the invention of mobile phones has made it possible to communicate with any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
at any time.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, who is working in another city or country can have a video call with his family, which
ultimately
stronger his relation with them.

Furthermore
, strangers become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
are getting closer to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
every day. After the invention of social networking websites and mobile applications, everyone is able to contact with anyone.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the notification of incoming birthdays of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones, even it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
to wish them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
.
Moreover
, it has strengthened the relation tween teachers and students.
For example
, teachers can teach their students by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
setup, such as YouTube
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
or Khan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
academy.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, mechanization has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
such rapid ways of communication,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
to visit the park in the evening. They share their problems and happy moments with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
later on, it has completely vanished from our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
unwillingly
, a term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends”
appeared.

To conclude
, technology has no doubt
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
the way we interact and hang out,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
has
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
real-world interaction. Though these virtual relations tend to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
, we should not deny the importance of physical interaction in our
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
lives
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say the government should not put money into building theatres and sports stadiums they should spend more money on medical care and education with this opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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