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Some people say that the education system is the only critical factor in the development of a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Some people say that the education system is the only critical factor in the development of a country. with this statement? v. 1
In this modern world, some of the people argue that, for the development of a state, the education is the only major factor. However, some people, are having a reverse opinion and they believe that, other factors are also having equal importance for the development of the state. I am supporting the second group and this essay state the points to support my view. Firstly, having a high literacy rate, actually increases the culture and outlook of the nation. But, the country's development is not only depends on this. The government makes sure that there is adequate job opportunity for all the educated citizen to increase their living standard. The lack of employment often leads the individual to join in the anti-social activities and they may start using their knowledge against the country. For example, in India, the literacy rate is huge, but the law enforcing agency failed to provide job for everyone. As a result, some of the citizens have joined un-wanted group for the money. When one intelligence agency interviewed these gangs and published the report saying that, most of the youngsters entered into this gang because of employment. Secondly, lifespan and fitness can also be considered as the vital factors. Nowadays, it has been observed that, a large group of the people has started facing issues because of improper life style. The main chronic diseases like cancer, heart attack are coming as a result of unhealthy lifestyle. If the government is not considering these health issues as critical, then most of the citizens may die in the short period before reaching the elder citizen limit. Additionally, the law should take care the contagious disease also, as they spread so fast and impact the health of society. If a nation is impacted with a disease, then its revenue from tourism will impact badly. For instance, recently, in Kerala, there was a contagious flu that took more than 100 lives. This flue was epidemic and the authority forced to restrict outsiders to entry to their region. In conclusion, with only high literacy, a nation cannot come into a position of developing countries. The authority should consider the citizen's well being and should be vigilant in the field of health.
In this modern world,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that, for the development of a state, the education is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
major factor.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, are having a reverse
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opinion and
they believe that, other factors are
also
having equal importance for the development of the state. I am supporting the second group and this essay state the points to support my view.

Firstly
, having a high literacy rate, actually increases the culture and outlook of the nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the country's development is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
depends on this. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sure that there is adequate job opportunity for all the educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
to increase their living standard. The lack of employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads the individual to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in the anti-social
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activities and
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
using their knowledge against the country.
For example
, in India, the literacy rate is huge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the law enforcing agency failed to provide job for everyone.
As a result
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
Possible spelling mistake found.
un-wanted
group for the money. When one intelligence agency interviewed these gangs and published the report saying that, most of the youngsters entered into this gang
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of employment.

Secondly
, lifespan and fitness can
also
be considered
as the vital factors. Nowadays, it has
been observed
that, a large group of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
facing issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of improper life style. The main chronic diseases like cancer, heart attack are coming
as a result
of unhealthy lifestyle. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is not considering these health issues as critical, then most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
in the short period
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
limit.
Additionally
, the law should take care the contagious disease
also
, as they spread
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and impact the health of society. If a nation
is impacted
with a disease, then its revenue from tourism will impact
badly
.
For instance
, recently, in Kerala, there was a contagious flu that took more than 100
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This flue was epidemic and the authority forced to restrict outsiders to entry to their region.

In conclusion
, with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
high literacy, a nation cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into a position of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
. The authority should consider the citizen's
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
and should be vigilant in the field of health.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the education system is the only critical factor in the development of a country. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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