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Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. v. 2
Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. They believe, in this way, they will learn additional skills other than studies and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their childhood life in working while they are still studying. In my opinion, availing a part-time job during once educational life could make them a disciplined person, but this work-life balance may also stimulate the stress level of the students. On the one hand, most of the teenagers started to involve themselves in some works in their free time. Additionally, some started to earn money through this. For example, once the study time is over, during their leisure hours, they are trying to prove themselves to the outside world by struggling to get a work to do and for this plethora of efforts are probably taken from the students side. On the other hand, contradicting, though all these jobs have their advantages in enhancing the personal character and independence of an individual, however, this is leading them to sacrifice the memorable and enjoyable childhood days in gaining money. In consequence, some get stressed out and are finally exhausted since they are missing their whole life running for the money and forgetting the extracurricular activities such as sports, swimming and so on. For instance, a person may be talented in gaining some additional knowledge in the curriculum, but he might not be able to succeed, which is because of other additional responsibilities which will be obviously running in their mind. To conclude, Although we are getting a chance to know about society and get disciplined by opting for a part-time job, this is anyway creating more pressure for an individual student. Hence, it is better to avoid working in part-time jobs, still, we complete our student life properly with good grades. Because I believe, being a part of an organization will definitely pull a student down in his educational life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should work part-time and earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. They believe, in this way, they will learn additional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than studies and become more disciplined. Others argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
shouldn't sacrifice their childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in working while they are
still
studying. In my opinion, availing a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
during once educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them a disciplined person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this work-life balance may
also
stimulate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level of the students.

On the one hand, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to involve themselves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
works in their free time.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
through this.
For example
, once the study time is over, during their leisure hours, they are trying to prove themselves to the outside world by struggling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a work to do and for this plethora of efforts are
probably
taken from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
side.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, contradicting, though all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have their advantages in enhancing the personal character and independence of an individual,
however
, this is leading them to sacrifice the memorable and enjoyable childhood days in gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. In consequence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out and are
finally
exhausted since they are missing their whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
running for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and forgetting the extracurricular activities such as sports, swimming and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, a person may
be talented
in gaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
additional knowledge in the curriculum,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he might not be able to succeed, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
additional responsibilities which will be
obviously
running in their mind.

To conclude
, Although we are getting a chance to know about society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disciplined by opting for a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, this is anyway creating more pressure for an individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
Hence
, it is better to avoid working in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
still
, we complete our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
properly
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
I believe, being a part of an organization will definitely pull a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
down in his educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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