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Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.3

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. v. 3
Recently, the topic of whether or not students have a part-time job has never failed to attract people’s attention and provoked controversy. Some people think that it is necessary for students to take part in a part-time job to gain valuable experience, while others believe that focusing on their studying is a better choice for students. From my perspective, I am inclined to the latter. When it comes to the benefits of being working student, the first one is that young people can learn the value of the money. In other words, it can build financial literacy and give them a stronger ability to manage their finances later in life. Secondly, from working part time, they will be exposed to the environment of the workplace. They have a great opportunity to work with those who came from different backgrounds which allow them to obtain relevant skills to deal with and manage conflicts. Hence, when they apply for a job, they’ll be considered fit over other candidates because they know the work culture. Nevertheless, when closely analysed, I would believe that students don’t need to spend their leisure time working because it is difficult to balance work and study. Namely, they have been under enough pressure of learning at school. Additionally, carrying out a job reduces their academic performance because they had less time to prepare for the examination than those who don’t have to earn a living. Furthermore, participating in extra activities with their friends, instead of working, give the youngsters emotional values. As a result, they may explore interest and unlock new passions. For example, a piano genius would never be discovered if he did not take part in extracurricular activities and focused on making money. In conclusion, although many people think that being a working student allow them to be more self-assured, I put my emphasis on the disruption of work on the study.
Recently, the topic of
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
has never failed to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
attention and provoked controversy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to gain valuable experience, while others believe that focusing on their studying is a better choice for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. From my perspective, I
am inclined
to the latter.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the benefits of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, the
first
one is that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can learn the value of the money.
In other words
, it can build financial literacy and give them a stronger ability to manage their finances later in life.
Secondly
, from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
, they will
be exposed
to the environment of the workplace. They have a great opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with those who came from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to obtain relevant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to deal with and manage conflicts.
Hence
, when they apply for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they’ll
be considered
fit over other candidates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
culture.

Nevertheless
, when
closely
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
, I would believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
don’t need to spend their leisure time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is difficult to balance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and study.
Namely
, they have been under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
pressure of learning at school.
Additionally
, carrying out a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their academic performance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had less time to prepare for the examination than those who don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn a living.
Furthermore
, participating in extra activities with their friends,
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, give the youngsters emotional values.
As a result
, they may explore interest and unlock new passions.
For example
, a piano genius would never
be discovered
if he did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in extracurricular activities and focused on making money.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to be more self-assured, I put my emphasis on the disruption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on the study.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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