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Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Other argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Other argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. v. 1
It is important to consider how teens spend their time, for they are responsible for the development of the nation. While some people contend that teenagers should utilize their time in part-time jobs, others deem that it is trivial. I completely agree with the former argument, and in this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument. On the one hand, those who believe students should not involve in part-time works argue that jobs may interrupt their study. This is because students, who squander their time in works, are usually devoid of time for their studies; also, they tend to be more money minded. For example, part-time jobs often intrigue teenager to earn money at the cost of knowledge, which they could have garnered in their free time. However, if students do not engage in part time works, they may have sufficient time to scour through books and ideas. This happens because they could give 100 percent in their studies. However, I argue that teenagers must work, for they might be financially independent. The reason for this is they could earn money in exchange of their time and skills; for example, jobs often pay them on an hourly or monthly basic in salary and wage. In addition, they would learn the rope while working as an employee in the organization; they may also start their own venture utilizing ideas. To illustrate, a person working as an intern or assistant counselor may start their own consulting business. In conclusion, although there are disadvantages of part time work such as the interruption of work on study, these must be weighed against the financially independence and erection of a business venture it brings. Personally, I think its merits outweigh the drawback, and I would prefer to work part time.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider how teens spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, for they are responsible for the development of the nation. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contend that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should utilize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, others deem that it is trivial. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former argument, and in this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument.

On the one hand, those who believe students should not involve in part-time works argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
may interrupt their study. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
students, who squander their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in works, are
usually
devoid of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their studies;
also
, they tend to be more money minded.
For example
, part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
intrigue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
to earn money at the cost of knowledge, which they could have garnered in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
However
, if students do not engage in part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
works, they may have sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to scour through books and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. This happens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could give 100 percent in their studies.

However
, I argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, for they might be
financially
independent.
The reason for this is
they could earn money
The usual prepositions to use after "in exchange" is "for" not "of". Did you mean "in exchange for"?
in exchange of
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
;
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
pay them on an hourly or monthly basic in salary and wage.
In addition
, they would learn the rope while working as an employee in the organization; they may
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
venture utilizing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. To illustrate, a person working as an intern or assistant counselor may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
consulting business.

In conclusion
, although there are disadvantages of part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
such as the interruption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on study, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be weighed
against the
financially
independence and erection of a business venture it brings.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
its merits outweigh the drawback, and I would prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Other argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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