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Some people say that technologies such as mobile phones are disrupting social interaction. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that technologies such as mobile phones are disrupting social interaction. v. 1
It is thought by few that advance gadgets such as cell phones have adverse effects on social communication. However, I do not agree with notion and assert that these developments have enhanced the social life of people and interaction become more easy with the help of mobile phones. To begin with, earlier it extremely difficult to have words with the person living at far places. The only ways to communicate is to write letter or telegram, which is highly time-consuming and slow process, but with the help to mobile phones we can stay connected with our love ones living at far places. Moreover, mobile phone have many in-built applications such as facebook and instagram, by using this people are staying in touch even with their school and college friends. With the help of mobile phones whole world has become a small village. Interaction and communication can be done only by clicking buttons. Moving further, with the availability of cell phones many important business communication and work can be easily done even by setting at home. So people have more spare time to spend with their family and friends. For example, many a time my boss assign the task on telephone and rather then travelling to India from USA for meeting with employees he is managing it via cell phone by having group calls. Apart from this, portability s the another feature of mobile phones, which helped individuals to communicate with one another at any point of time. In conclusion, unequivocally people may have different views on the advancement of technologies such as mobile phone and many opine that it has detrimental effects on social life. I strongly believe that if used in disciplined way it has immense advantages and it has make the interaction more convenient and easy than before.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by few that advance gadgets such as cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have adverse effects on social communication.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with notion and assert that these developments have enhanced the social life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and interaction become more easy with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of mobile phones.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, earlier
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
extremely
difficult to have words with the person living at far places. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
ways to communicate is to write letter or telegram, which is
highly
time-consuming and slow process,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
we can stay connected with our
Did you mean "loved ones"?
love ones
living at far places.
Moreover
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
in-built applications such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
instagram
, by using this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are staying in touch even with their school and college friends. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
whole world has become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village. Interaction and communication can
be done
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by clicking buttons.

Moving
further
, with the availability of cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
business communication and work can be
easily
done even by setting at home.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more spare time to spend with their family and friends.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
a time my boss assign the task on telephone and
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
travelling to India
A determiner is probably missing here: "from the USA".
from USA
for meeting with employees he is managing it via cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
by having group calls. Apart from this, portability s the another feature of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
individuals to communicate with one another at any point of time.

In conclusion
,
unequivocally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views on the advancement of technologies such as mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opine that it has detrimental effects on social life. I
strongly
believe that if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in disciplined way it has immense advantages and it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the interaction more convenient and easy than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that technologies such as mobile phones are disrupting social interaction. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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