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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. Do you agree or disagree? v.7

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 7
There have been some recent arguments about the insufficient education young adults nowadays receive at school. Although, I have full confidence in our education systems and believe that they have provided valuable wellness information to students, yet, there are much more that could have been done. As far as I am concerned, the academics are doing their best to convey crucial knowledge in regard of health and wellness to their students. For one, schools all around the world are teaching students how to react when they are faced with medical emergencies. For example, learners are encouraged to learn about the CPR method and practice it on dummies. On top of that, universities are allocating more funds for activities focused on promoting healthy lifestyle. A recent Pew Study shows that higher education institutions are spending 30 percent more on health focused events and programs. However, the effectiveness of the above efforts is still questionable and could be largely improved. While practicing on dummies might be sufficient, schools should consider using more interactive ways of teaching so that participants could have a better understanding of the topic. They could, for instance, build an online game and ask the players to react accordingly to the emergency situations presented. Furthermore, high schools and elementary schools should have been equally supportive as universities in terms of wellness training. It is vital to teach younger students the value of eating a balanced diet and workout on a regular basis. In conclusion, while schools are going above and beyond to ensure students understand well enough about health, nowadays, I agree with the idea that they could have done more to improve the effectiveness of the teaching and put more emphasis on early discipline.
There have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recent arguments about the insufficient education young adults nowadays receive at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Although, I have full confidence in our education systems and believe that they have provided valuable wellness information to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
yet
, there are much more that could have
been done
.

As far as I
am concerned
, the academics are doing their best to convey crucial knowledge in regard of health and wellness to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. For one,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
all around the world are teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to react when they
are faced
with medical emergencies.
For example
, learners
are encouraged
to learn about the CPR method and practice it on dummies.
On top of that
, universities are allocating more funds for activities focused on promoting healthy lifestyle. A recent Pew Study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that higher education institutions are spending 30 percent more on health focused
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and programs.

However
, the effectiveness of the above efforts is
still
questionable and could be
largely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. While practicing on dummies might be sufficient,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should consider using more interactive ways of teaching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that participants could have a better understanding of the topic. They could,
for instance
, build an online game and ask the players to react
accordingly
to the emergency situations presented.
Furthermore
, high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should have been
equally
supportive as universities in terms of wellness training. It is vital to teach younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
the value of eating a balanced diet and workout on a regular basis.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are going above and beyond to ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
understand well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
about health, nowadays, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that they could have done more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the effectiveness of the teaching and put more emphasis on early discipline.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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