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Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. v. 3
More often than not, the adolescent’s body and mind development are of paramount significance for their parents. It is proposed that children should be motivated to spend their time reading books rather than watching television and playing games on computer systems. I do not support this point of view as discouraging their contact from electronic gadgets would be healthy and reading books could possibly inculcate focus. The cogent reason why children should be redundant to spend time on electronic devices is that it can harm their physical health. Since these activities usually involve long sitting in one place, it would lead to a sedentary lifestyle which could develop concerns such as obesity. For example, my niece, who generally spend a couple of hours watching the cartoon channel, is gaining weight faster than his friend, who opt to play outdoors. Thus, if children need to be more fit, then they must opt to skip spending time on digital devices. Furthermore, adolescents must be encouraged to spend more time reading a variety of books as this habit could develop more focus. When adolescents spend a good amount of time reading books, they often require undivided attention to understand the context of the topic. To illustrate, during my school days, I used to read my subject books, which usually requires my total attention to grasp the topic, which helped me a lot to improve my concentration. Therefore, if children need to attain concentration, then opting to read should be prioritized. To conclude, children's brains and body development are very critical for parents. It is projected by some that their interaction with television and games should be minimized rather than induce them to read more. I totally support this view as less time spent on digital devices would lead to better physical health and more reading can induce concentration.
More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, the adolescent’s body and mind development are of paramount significance for their parents. It
is proposed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be motivated
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
rather
than watching television and playing games on computer systems. I do not support this point of view as discouraging their contact from electronic gadgets would be healthy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
could
possibly
inculcate focus.

The cogent reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be redundant to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on electronic devices is that it can harm their physical health. Since these activities
usually
involve long sitting in one place, it would lead to a sedentary lifestyle which could develop concerns such as obesity.
For example
, my niece, who
generally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a couple of hours watching the cartoon channel, is gaining weight faster than his friend, who opt to play outdoors.
Thus
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to be more fit, then they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
opt to skip spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on digital devices.

Furthermore
, adolescents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
as this habit could develop more focus. When adolescents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
require undivided attention to understand the context of the topic. To illustrate, during my school days, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to read my subject
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, which
usually
requires my total attention to grasp the topic, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me a lot to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my concentration.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to attain concentration, then opting to read should
be prioritized
.

To conclude
, children's brains and body development are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
critical for parents. It
is projected
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that their interaction with television and games should
be minimized
rather
than induce them to read more. I
totally
support this view as less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on digital devices would lead to better physical health and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
can induce concentration.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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