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News media is importand in our society. Why is it so important? Is its influence positive or negative? v.1

News media is importand in our society. Why is it so important? Is its influence positive or negative? v. 1
In many schools and universities, girls tend to enrol on art disciplines such as language, whereas boys often show an inclination to study science such as physics. From my perspective, gender-specific abilities and personalities are instrumental in this, and this tendency is unnecessary to be changed. To start with, It is true that male and female are different in terms of intellectual abilities and this plays a key role in determining the subjects they choose to study. Recent research concluded that girls often show an aptitude for verbal and manual skills and they tend to be more patient, while boys often gravitate towards subjects required logical and lateral thinking skills such as math or physics. Therefore, when choosing their major, girls tend to study arts as they suit their innate abilities and personalities which is the same reason why boys choose to study science. I think this tendency is unnecessary to be changed for two reasons. First, women are often considered to be homemakers of the family. Hence, working in the art industry might be less stressful than that in the science field, allowing women to have more time for household needs. For example, Vietnamese female scientists are usually under considerable pressure. Indeed, they have an extremely limited time for family and this results in broken families. In contrast, as men are stereotyped as a breadwinner in the family, so they should be encouraged to study science as this is a lucrative industry which can help them support their families. In conclusion, I believe that gender differences in intellectual abilities lead to this tendency, and this trend is unnecessary to be changed as it helps men and women to keep their special roles in the family.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools and universities, girls tend to enrol on art disciplines such as language, whereas boys
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
an inclination to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
science such as physics. From my perspective, gender-specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
and personalities are instrumental in this, and this tendency is unnecessary to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, It is true that male and female are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in terms of intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
and this plays a key role in determining the subjects they choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. Recent research concluded that girls
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
an aptitude for verbal and manual
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
skills and
they tend to be more patient, while boys
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
gravitate towards subjects required logical and lateral thinking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as math or physics.
Therefore
, when choosing their major, girls tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
arts as they suit their innate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
and personalities which is the same reason why boys choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
science.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this tendency is unnecessary to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
for two reasons.
First
, women are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
considered to be homemakers of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Hence
, working in the art industry might be less stressful than that in the science field, allowing women to have more time for household needs.
For example
, Vietnamese female scientists are
usually
under considerable pressure.
Indeed
, they have an
extremely
limited time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and this results in broken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
In contrast
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are stereotyped
as a breadwinner in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
science as this is a lucrative industry which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them support their families.

In conclusion
, I believe that gender differences in intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
lead to this tendency, and this trend is unnecessary to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their special roles in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay News media is importand in our society. Why is it so important? Is its influence positive or negative? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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