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Some people say that parents should encourage thier children to take part in orgainised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opini v.1

Some people say that parents should encourage thier children to take part in orgainised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 1
Moving to a new country can be quite challenging sometimes. Somehow, as the time goes by, most people will easily overcome the difficulties of learning foreign languages. I shall argue that those languages difficulties wouldn’t lead to some serious issues due to its advantages to develop each individual. Technology has made the practical issues more effectively and efficiently over the last several decades. In other words, the existence of technology nowadays solves many problems effortlessly. They have made it much easier to get information within a second. Take online translator for example, people who might not be able to speak and understand native language found this very convenient. Therefore, technology helps to mitigate this issue while it makes conversation enjoyable and prevent misunderstanding. Most of the 70% of the world population has at least a working knowledge of English. But in fact, English is not spoken widely in some country such as Russia, Japan or China. However, learning foreign language also means having the ability to gain new skills and can be beneficial. In China, for example, when we go to the market, it’s much easier to bargain using Chinese rather than speaking the international language such as English. Therefore, learning foreign language in related country is actually easier. Beside that, if we hear a new language regularly, our brain will automatically pick it up. Every country or several specific places have it's own culture. People’s ability to learn new languages also enhance their knowledge, to learn new cultures because somehow language is complexly intertwined with culture. For instance, in some countries, especially in Indonesia, adolescent have to speak politely using the proper words to the elders. Since childhood, we have been taught by our parents and teacher to show respect. Through language, this behaviour makes people or immigrant able to integrate well. To conclude, many people believe that they can’t face the language barrier; however, in my opinion, not mastering the native language won’t be a big deal and haven’t provoked any serious social issues because I believe with the help of technology it’s making our lives easier, and most people can adapt to the new environment.
Moving to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can be quite challenging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
. Somehow, as the time goes by, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
easily
overcome the difficulties of learning foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
. I shall argue that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
difficulties wouldn’t lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
due to its advantages to develop each individual.

Technology has made the practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
more
effectively
and
efficiently
over the last several decades.
In other words
, the existence of technology nowadays solves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems
effortlessly
. They have made it much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
information within a second. Take online translator
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who might not be able to speak and understand native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
found this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
convenient.
Therefore
, technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to mitigate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
while it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
conversation enjoyable and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
misunderstanding.

Most of the 70% of the world population has at least a working knowledge of English.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in fact, English is not spoken
widely
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
such as Russia, Japan or China.
However
, learning foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
also
means having the ability to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and can be beneficial. In China,
for example
, when we go to the market, it’s much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
to bargain using Chinese
rather
than speaking the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
such as English.
Therefore
, learning foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
in related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
. Beside that, if we hear a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
regularly
, our brain will
automatically
pick it up.

Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
or several specific places have
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (=it is)?
it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
culture.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
ability to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
also
enhance their knowledge, to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
somehow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
complexly
intertwined with culture.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
especially
in Indonesia, adolescent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
speak
politely
using the proper words to the elders. Since childhood, we have
been taught
by our parents and teacher to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
respect. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or immigrant able to integrate well.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that they can’t face the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
barrier;
however
, in my opinion, not mastering the native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
won’t be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
deal and haven’t provoked any serious social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of technology it’s making our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easier
, and most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can adapt to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage thier children to take part in orgainised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
358 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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