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Some people say that parents should encourage their children say that to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people say that parents should encourage their children say that to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1
Although many people argue about the importance of children’s learning through some methods in order to fill their free moment with many things which like, others say that parents should be as a motivation for their children so as to attend in some group in their free moment. Personally, I support both views due to the fact that children need to experience teamwork and also interpersonal skills through some activities. Actually, attending in organized group activities has many merits for children. It is a great opportunity for children to be with their friends and show their abilities and also recognize their weaknesses in teamwork activities. What is more, they can acquire a lot of information in various fields and learn great traits through this method such as sportsmanship, humility, bravery, and so on. In fact, children learn how to be useful to their societies and also get acquainted with their social responsibilities. Furthermore, they found that their parents will like seeing them in good conditions in the future. On the other hand, if children occupy themselves on their own, it will have some merits and demerits which are worth considering. Firstly, Children can learn how to organize their free time with various activities which can be advantageous or worthless for them. In other words, they can discover their hidden talents through trialing different types of work. Moreover, children can do activities which they like and follow their passion without any obligation or restriction. Secondly, If children stay at home for a long period of time, they may confront with depression in the future. Besides, this matter can have a negative impact on their minds such as fear of attending in society, and so on. In conclusion, I believe that children should experience both situations in order to find themselves and the merits of group activities.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue about the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
methods in order to fill their free moment with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things which like, others say that parents should be as a motivation for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
attend in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group in their free moment.
Personally
, I support both views due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to experience teamwork and
also
interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities.

Actually, attending in organized group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is a great opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be with their friends and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their abilities and
also
recognize their weaknesses in teamwork
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
What is more
, they can acquire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
information in various fields and learn great traits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
this method such as sportsmanship, humility, bravery, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn how to be useful to their societies and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
acquainted with their social responsibilities.
Furthermore
, they found that their parents will like seeing them in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
conditions in the future.

On the other hand
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
occupy themselves on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, it will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits and demerits which are worth considering.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can learn how to organize their free time with various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which can be advantageous or worthless for them.
In other words
, they can discover their hidden talents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
trialing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of work.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which they like and follow their passion without any obligation or restriction.
Secondly
, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
stay at home for a long period of time, they may confront with depression in the future.
Besides
, this matter can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their minds such as fear of attending in society, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should experience both situations in order to find themselves and the merits of group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children say that to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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