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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.14

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn to occupy themselves on their own. v. 14
Some people believe that parents should promote their juvenile to participate in group activities, whereas on the contrary, others believe that children need to learn how to self occupancy. In my opinion, helping kids, keeping busy these days in this technological era is hard to tackle. Firstly, I would shed some light on the parent's favourite choice, group activities. The most essential part of organized group activities are teamwork, it should be noted that nowadays with the development of technology junior and folks get less leisure time to spend together. So, the chance of doing stuff in a team is getting less and less, also these group activities can encourage a youngster to communicate in groups. For example, playing basketball will help them to coordinate with their teammates and try to trust their team and as well as that, they get to be part of a community. On the flip side, I would look at the other side in favour of self-sufficiency. To some extent, I should say I agree with the one who believe that children should know how to keep themselves busy, in particular situations, but this should not be their only ability. I do have faith in that there are times when children get to be alone, their friends do not have time, their family is busy, for instance. Though let's not forget their adulthood, when they grow up and then they need to socialize, they also need to find jobs. So, without a doubt, the skilled team working and corresponding would be needed. To conclude, it is an important issue for children to keep themselves occupied, however, it is more essential for their future to be encouraged by their parents to do group activist, which help them to be more well-adjusted.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that parents should promote their juvenile to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, whereas
on the contrary
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to learn how to self occupancy. In my opinion, helping kids, keeping busy these days in this technological era is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to tackle.

Firstly
, I would shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on the parent's
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
choice,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. The most essential part of organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are teamwork, it should
be noted
that nowadays with the development of technology junior and folks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
less leisure time to spend together.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the chance of doing stuff in a team is getting less and less,
also
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can encourage a youngster to communicate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
For example
, playing basketball will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to coordinate with their teammates and try to trust their team and
as well
as that, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to be part of a community.

On the flip side, I would look at the other side in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of self-sufficiency. To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I should say I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the one who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves busy,
in particular
situations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this should not be their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
ability. I do have faith in that there are times when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to be alone, their friends do not have time, their family is busy,
for instance
. Though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
's not forget their adulthood, when they grow
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
up and
then they need to socialize, they
also
need to find jobs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, without a doubt, the skilled team working and corresponding would
be needed
.

To conclude
, it is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves occupied,
however
, it is more essential for their future to
be encouraged
by their parents to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
activist, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be more well-adjusted.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn to occupy themselves on their own. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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