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some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree oe disagree with tgis opinion? v.2

some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. v. 2
Nowadays, music related topic has become a controversial issue. Although, there are some people who believe that music connect people of all age groups and cultures together, while others people do not support the idea that music brings close to one another. In my opinion, I completely agree with the statement, music industry has developed the sense of connection among people despite having differences. On the one hand, regarding music of different culture, the best part about music is that no special skills are required like knowledge of language. In other words, no need to learn the foreign language to understand it, as it is amusing in everyway. Hence, the disparity among cultures would be not as effective as indifference among their ethnic groups. For example, many South Indian songs are popular in north india, as there are a lots of difference in the language and culture. Even, these songs got recognition for celebration. In addition, by sharing the common music playlist, it is easy to build friendship which ultimately benefits the society. Secondly, for different age people, chances of making time to each other like the young people and old people unite easily because music would develop good understanding level by spending time together. Consequently, the strong bond can be easily build between a child and their grandparents because of common interest of music. In conclusion, despite having differences of cultures and age, a person have developed the understanding level to a certain stage by knowing others through the medium of music independently. I extremely supports this statement that the music brings people closer.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
related topic has become a controversial issue. Although, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all age groups and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
together, while others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings close to one another. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry has developed the sense of connection among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
despite having differences.

On the one hand, regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, the best part about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is that no special
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are required
like knowledge of language. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, no need to learn the foreign language to understand it, as it is amusing in
Possible spelling mistake found.
everyway
.
Hence
, the disparity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
would be not as effective as indifference among their ethnic groups.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
South Indian songs are popular in north
Possible spelling mistake found.
india
, as there are
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a lot" or simply "lots"?
a lots
of difference in the language and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. Even, these songs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
recognition for celebration.
In addition
, by sharing the common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
playlist, it is easy to build friendship which
ultimately
benefits the society.

Secondly
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, chances of making time to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
like the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
unite
easily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
would develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
understanding level by spending time together.
Consequently
, the strong bond can be
easily
Consider using a past participle here: "built".
build
between a child and their grandparents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of common interest of music.

In conclusion
, despite having differences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and age, a person have developed the understanding level to a certain stage by knowing others through the medium of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
independently
. I
extremely
Possible agreement error -- use base form here: "support".
supports
this statement that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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