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Some people say that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. v. 1
Nowadays, with the advancement of technology, mobile phones play a crucial role in daily activities of an individual. However, some people claims that it should be banned in public and crowded places due to the fact that people who use mobile phones pay less attention to surrounding things and accident are inevitable. I disagree with this idea. To begin with, communication through a long distance becomes easier with the advancement of mobile phones. In addition, almost mobile devices in the present day have an ability to access the Internet, which helps the citizen proactive in the updating news, receiving and sending messages. Furthermore, when coming to a new area or a new country, travellers are effortless to navigate themselves to a desired destination by using a map application on mobile devices. More simple method of payment is also introduced in recent years, which encourage an individual to bring only their smartphone when going outside. On the other hand, the vast majority of people are relying too much on a smartphone, in long run, they addicted to it. As a result, they have less time to do outdoor activities and get accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle. Furthermore, concentrated on their smartphone too much while walking is very dangerous and may cause an accident. In my opinion, the government should raise the citizen’s awareness about the drawbacks of using mobile devices in public places. They may promote a campaign to encourage people to spend less time on mobile devices. Meanwhile, instead of prohibiting the mobile users in public places, encourage them to turn their phone to silent mode would be enough. In conclusion, in my opinion, it is undeniable that mobile phones do bring some drawback. However, due to the indispensable for part of life of mobile devices, they should not be banned in any place.
Nowadays, with the advancement of technology, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
play a crucial role in daily activities of an individual.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
claims
that it should
be banned
in public and crowded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
pay less attention to surrounding things and accident are inevitable. I disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, communication through a long distance becomes easier with the advancement of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
In addition
, almost mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
in the present day have an ability to access the Internet, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the citizen proactive in the updating news, receiving and sending messages.
Furthermore
, when coming to a new area or a new country,
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
are effortless to navigate themselves to a desired destination by using a map application on mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. More simple method of payment is
also
introduced in recent years, which encourage an individual to bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their smartphone when going outside.

On the other hand
, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are relying too much on a smartphone, in long run, they addicted to it.
As a result
, they have less time to do outdoor activities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle.
Furthermore
, concentrated on their smartphone too much while walking is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and may cause an accident. In my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should raise the citizen’s awareness about the drawbacks of using mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. They may promote a campaign to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend less time on mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. Meanwhile,
instead
of prohibiting the mobile users in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
, encourage them to turn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to silent mode would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

In conclusion
, in my opinion, it is undeniable that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
do bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawback.
However
, due to the indispensable for part of life of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, they should not
be banned
in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people say that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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