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The use of mobile phones in public places is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The use of mobile phones in public places is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. v. 1
It is undeniable that a country's wealth depends on its infrastructure. Some people claim that a poor infrastructure of the underdeveloped country is the sole reason to deter its development; hence, foreign aid should be used for better infrastructure. I partially disagree with this notion. I do not consider that enhancing infrastructure is the waste of money, but other major issues are also should be taken into account. First and foremost, developing countries require foreign investments to increase their growth. So, they should display their infrastructure wealth to gain business deals from foreign industries. In the era of globalisation, foreign investors are eager to start multi-national businesses, but it demands proper infrastructure. To illustrate, investors in many countries were not interested in building their company in Saudi Arabia until they improved their country's infrastructure. Thus, it is important to use foreign aid for infrastructure development. However, underdeveloped countries should concentrate first on their fundamental need, such as medical and food production. Firstly, the regime should provide no-cost medical treatment to decrease the death rate of the people. Besides this, increase agriculture funding is one of the primary necessities to overcome a lack of food production in a nation. For instance, according to a recent survey of the Times magazine, several underdeveloped countries, mainly focusing on their basic requirements rather than other issues. Therefore, the bureaucracy should fundamentally strong to handle minor problems. To conclude, although it is essential to improve the country's infrastructure, major issues should be considered primarily. The regime should fulfil the basic needs of the citizens before focusing on other improvements. I believe that, in the future, underdeveloped nation's will focus on people's fundamental needs.
It is undeniable that a country's wealth depends on its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that a poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is the sole reason to deter its development;
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
aid should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
. I
partially
disagree with this notion. I do not consider that enhancing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
is the waste of money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other major issues are
also
should
be taken
into account.

First
and foremost, developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
investments to increase their growth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they should display their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
wealth to gain business deals from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
industries. In the era of
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
investors are eager to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
multi-national businesses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it demands proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
. To illustrate, investors in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
were not interested in building their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in Saudi Arabia until they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
their country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
.
Thus
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
aid for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
development.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should concentrate
first
on their fundamental need, such as medical and food production.
Firstly
, the regime should provide no-cost medical treatment to decrease the death rate of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Besides
this, increase agriculture funding is one of the primary necessities to overcome a lack of food production in a nation.
For instance
, according to a recent survey of the Times magazine, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
mainly
focusing on their basic requirements
rather
than other issues.
Therefore
, the bureaucracy should
fundamentally
strong to handle minor problems.

To conclude
, although it is essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
infrastructure
, major issues should
be considered
primarily
. The regime should fulfil the basic needs of the citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
focusing on other improvements. I believe that, in the future,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
underdeveloped
nation's will focus on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's fundamental needs.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The use of mobile phones in public places is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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