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Some people say that it is more important to spend money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that it is more important to spend money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. v. 1
It is often argued that the health is always necessary to live our life happy. Some people might think that it is more significant to consume money to advertise a well-being lifestyle to avoid sickness than to support the surgery for the patients who are suffering the disease. Although caring sick people are required, I strongly agree that idea. This essay will address the perspective of concerning people. First of all, government cannot afford to support their normal citizens when their money would be focused on the patients. When the council wastes a lot of budget for the treatment, the economy of the country for regular people might be deteriorated due to a shortage of budget to spend. For example, the nation’s budget such as welfare or pension should be used equally but once they spend all of that for the surgery, the local government might not care the rest of inhabitants due to the loss of money. Therefore, there might be having some economic issues in domestic. Moreover, people are more interested in concerning their health in advance. In other words, when the officials impose to prevent sickness, the individuals might control their lifestyle to not have the disease. For instance, people would have fresh food such as greens when the country promotes to support the better lifestyle. Furthermore, they would enjoy their healthy leisure time without the problems. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that it is the obligation to care about the people who are in illness we need to encourage individuals to not lose their health control. Also, it is more effective to maintain more regular citizens than the inhabitants who need a treatment economically and socially.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the health is always necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
our life happy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is more significant to consume money to advertise a well-being lifestyle to avoid sickness than to support the surgery for the patients who are suffering the disease. Although caring sick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are required
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. This essay will address the perspective of concerning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
cannot afford to support their normal citizens when their money would
be focused
on the patients. When the council wastes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
budget for the treatment, the economy of the country for regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be deteriorated
due to a shortage of budget to spend.
For example
, the nation’s budget such as welfare or pension should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
once they spend all of that for the surgery, the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not care the rest of inhabitants due to the loss of money.
Therefore
, there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
economic issues in domestic.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more interested in concerning their health in advance.
In other words
, when the officials impose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
sickness, the individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
control their lifestyle to not have the disease.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would have fresh food such as greens when the country promotes to support the better lifestyle.
Furthermore
, they would enjoy their healthy leisure time without the problems.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that it is the obligation to care about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are in illness we need to encourage individuals to not lose their health control.
Also
, it is more effective to maintain more regular citizens than the inhabitants who need a treatment
economically
and
socially
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that it is more important to spend money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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