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Some people say that giving a small amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable as they grow older. Do you agree or disagree v.2

Some people say that giving a small amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable as they grow older. v. 2
Money is a prerequisite for surviving in today’s world. Therefore, to instil its value to juvenile, one school of thought avers that, parents should bestow weekly pocket money since, it would help them to use it judiciously. I concur with the statement and, explain my arguments in the following paragraphs with examples. At the outset, weekly pocket money moulds the thinking of children regarding its utilization. They would spend it wisely because, they are well aware with the fact that they do not get any extra amount for the next seven days. For example, a survey by leading newspaper had revealed that, more than 80% of children who get small amount once a week would spend it on essential things and, care their brought possessions as much as possible since, if anything would be broken, they have to buy it again from their pocket money. Furthermore, while managing pocket money children would also comprehend its indispensable role in once life. Thereby, they would commence saving money for their future. In this way, they will learn financial management skills which are the need of the day. To illustrate, a study of ‘Financial School of World’ had revealed that, people who had learned the strategy of financial management in their childhood can not only comfortably handle the financial crises but also resolve it promptly without borrowing money from friends. To conclude, although, weekly allowance has numerous privileges, still parent must keep surveillance on the expenditures of their children. So that, they would not spend it on unnecessary things.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is a prerequisite for surviving in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world.
Therefore
, to
Possible spelling mistake. 'instil' is British English.
instil
its value to juvenile, one school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
avers that, parents should bestow weekly pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
since, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
judiciously
. I concur with the statement and,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my arguments in the following paragraphs with examples.

At the outset, weekly pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
Possible spelling mistake. 'moulds' is British English.
moulds
the thinking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
regarding its utilization. They would spend it
wisely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they are well aware with the fact that they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any extra amount for the
next
seven days.
For example
, a survey by leading newspaper had revealed that, more than 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount once a week would spend it on essential things and, care their brought possessions as much as possible since, if anything would
be broken
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it again from their pocket money.

Furthermore
, while managing pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would
also
comprehend its indispensable role in once life. Thereby, they would commence saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their future. In this way, they will learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are the need of the day. To illustrate, a study of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
‘Financial
School of World’ had revealed that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who had learned the strategy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
management in their childhood can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
comfortably
handle the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
crises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
resolve it
promptly
without borrowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from friends.

To conclude
, although, weekly allowance has numerous privileges,
still
parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
surveillance on the expenditures of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, they would not spend it on unnecessary things.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people say that giving a small amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable as they grow older. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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