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Some people say that art is an essential subject and every child should learn it in school. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that art is an essential subject and every child should learn it in school. v. 2
Art is considered as a vital subject and some people believe that it should be taught to children at school. However, art should not be taught as a compulsory subject and instead mathematics and a second language should be included in their curricula. As art is not compatible with every individual child taste, it should not be a mandatory subject at schools and should be regarded as an optional subject for any child who is interested in it. Because, it is not an important element for all people and if somebody does not know anything about art, he will not lose anything. Moreover, children need to learn more essential subjects in their schools. For instance, mathematics should be regarded as one of the most important courses at schools. Because, all people deal with it at some point in their life. Another crucial subject which any child needs it and plays a key role in anybody’s life is learning a second language. Firstly, children usually cannot just lean on their mother tongue and need a foreign language in order to be able to communicate with other people when they grow up and decide to migrate to another country for a job position for example. Besides, learning a second language would have a lot of advantages related to the brain development. Scientists have found that knowing a foreign language changes the way people use their brain and connects both right and left brain hemispheres. In conclusion, art should not be regarded as a necessary subject at schools and children can choose it voluntarily if they feel that it satisfies their interest. However, mathematics and understanding a second language should be regarded as two main subjects that children need to learn them at primary schools.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is considered
as a vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that it should
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
should not
be taught
as a compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and
instead
mathematics and a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
should
be included
in their curricula.

As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is not compatible with every individual child taste, it should not be a mandatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regarded
as an optional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
for any child who
is interested
in it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, it is not an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and if somebody does not know anything about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, he will not lose anything.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to learn more essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
For instance
, mathematics should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regarded
as one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
courses at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deal with it at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point in their life.

Another crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
which any child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
it and plays a key role in anybody’s life is learning a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
usually
cannot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
lean on their mother tongue and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
in order to be able to communicate with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when they grow up and decide to migrate to another country for a job position
for example
.
Besides
, learning a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
would have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages related to the brain development. Scientists have found that knowing a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their brain and connects both right and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
brain hemispheres.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
should not be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regarded
as a necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can choose it
voluntarily
if they feel that it satisfies their interest.
However
, mathematics and understanding a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regarded
as two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to learn them at primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that art is an essential subject and every child should learn it in school. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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