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Some people say that a person’s success is as a direct result of the way they were brought up by their parents. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that a person’s success is as a direct result of the way they were brought up by their parents. v. 2
Success differs from person to person. While some people think that parenthood caring does not have any relationship with person’s success, I, however, strongly disagree with this view for two reasons. The main significant reason in terms of an individual’s success which is brought by the guardians is hereditary talent. While some might argue that parental upbringing does not matter to succeed the person, I feel that some children are already gifted with many skills in their childhood which is due to usually their mother or father possess that aptitudes. For instance, if a child is an expert in solving math problems, it is evident that any one or both of his parents can possess such abilities. Family support is another reason. While I concede that most children tend to achieve success in the future without the support of their parents, I would argue that parents supportive attitude towards a child chosen career can lead to success, and such support could foster child's interest in that particular field. For example, having an obedient nature many children often have a dream to become an astronaut or an engineer, so there is every likelihood to get a supportive hand from the parents which results in them to have a better avenue by being a successful person. In contrast, without their support, child would be less inclined to fulfil his dream to be a successive person. As a result, he might quit from his goal due to dearth of supportive hand. To sum up, not only does child’s authorize some skills since their birth by genes, but also supportive hand of their parent are the reasons for their success. Therefore, I strongly believe parents upbringing are interrelated to a person’s success.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Success
differs from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that parenthood caring does not have any relationship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, I,
however
,
strongly
disagree with this view for two reasons.

The main significant reason in terms of an individual’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
which
is brought
by the guardians is hereditary talent. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
might argue that parental upbringing does not matter to succeed the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, I feel that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children are already gifted with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in their childhood which is due to
usually
their mother or father possess that aptitudes.
For instance
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is an expert in solving math problems, it is evident that
Did you mean "anyone"?
any one
or both of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can possess such abilities.

Family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
is another reason. While I concede that most children tend to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in the future without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
supportive attitude towards a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
chosen career can lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, and such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
could foster child's interest in that particular field.
For example
, having an obedient nature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have a dream to become an astronaut or an engineer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there is every likelihood to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a supportive hand from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
which results in them to have a better avenue by being a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
In contrast
, without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
would be less inclined to fulfil his dream to be a successive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
As a result
, he might quit from his goal due to dearth of supportive hand.

To sum up, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
Consider using the plural form here: "childs".
child’s
authorize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
since their birth by genes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
supportive hand of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
are the reasons for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
Therefore
, I
strongly
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
upbringing
are interrelated
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people say that a person’s success is as a direct result of the way they were brought up by their parents. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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