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Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. v. 2
In recent times, many social arts are being employed as tools for bringing people together. While some people are of the opinion that music is one of such instruments used to unify people of varying ages and ethnicity, others think otherwise. This essay will discuss the reasons for the variations in people's position regarding music as such avenue, and why I strongly agree with the group that sees music as such peaceful tool. Lately, different musicians have resolved to using music as platforms for opposing governments and showcasing violence. This is because of their understanding that songs have a strong effect on their audience and can go viral within a split second. For example, most Jamaican reggae tracks capitalize on making derogatory remarks about governments and display other negative scenes such as smoking. Also, studies have shown that three out of every five albums of such Jamaican music encourage opposition to leaders and social vices. Hence, this school of thought strongly believe that music has caused more diversity than uniformity. On the other hand, some artists have ensured to preach peace, unity and progress among children and adults from all over the world while singing. They believe songs can stir up emotions positively and affect the way people think and act. For instance, a popular music track made during Haiti's natural disaster sometime in 2008, drew the inputs of world class performers from across the globe, and this also attracted positive response from people of different religions and tribes towards the incident. Therefore, the role of music in bringing people together in such situations can not be overemphasized. In conclusion, many musicians utilize songs differently to either harmonize people or make their differences obvious among them. In my opinion, I totally agree that music has played a major part in uniting people across all age groups and social beliefs.
In recent times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social arts are
being employed
as tools for bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of such instruments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to unify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of varying ages and ethnicity, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
otherwise
. This essay will discuss the reasons for the variations in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's position regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as such avenue, and why I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the group that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as such peaceful tool.

Lately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
musicians have resolved to using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as platforms for opposing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and showcasing violence. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their understanding that songs have a strong effect on their audience and can go viral within a split second.
For example
, most Jamaican reggae
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
capitalize on making derogatory remarks about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and display other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
scenes such as smoking.
Also
, studies have shown that three out of every five albums of such Jamaican
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
encourage opposition to leaders and social vices.
Hence
, this school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has caused more diversity than uniformity.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
artists have ensured to preach peace, unity and progress among children and adults from all over the world while singing. They believe songs can stir up emotions
positively
and affect the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and act.
For instance
, a popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
made during Haiti's natural disaster sometime in 2008, drew the inputs of world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
performers from across the globe, and this
also
attracted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
response from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
religions and tribes towards the incident.
Therefore
, the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together in such situations can not
be overemphasized
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
musicians utilize songs
differently
to either harmonize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their differences obvious among them. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has played a major part in uniting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
across all age groups and social beliefs.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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