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Some people say it is important to keep your home and your workplace tidy, with everything organized and in the correct place. what is your opinion about this? v.4

Some people say it is important to keep your home and your workplace tidy, with everything organized and in the correct place. what is your opinion about this? v. 4
Some people believe that keeping the individual's residence and work area tidy is fundamental; everything is tidy and in the right position. I second this view, and the justification for my claim will be further discussed. To begin with, keeping home tidy improves health. This is because the residents may suffer from various ailments which arise from unhygienic conditions unless they preserve their home organised. These conditions facilitate the growth of bacteria and fungi; therefore, in the long term, the residents develop different diseases most of which are incurable. Not only does it improve the physical health, but also it has a positive effect on the mood. In other words, people tend to reside in an organized place, or they may become depressed. An eminent example is a research study published by the Faculty of Medicine, Cairo University in 2016; the findings of the study assured that one of the substantial reasons of skin related diseases is the unorganized place. Thus, if the patients' homes had been tidy, they would not have suffered from these ailments. Furthermore, keeping the workplace tidy saves the workers' time. To illustrate, they usually have a lot of duties to achieve during the working hours; however, they waste some time searching for missed items which are usually in the wrong place. As a result, their productivity will be decreased remarkably. This is exemplified by Google company which implemented a new law in 2019 and defined a place for any single item in the employees' office in order to save their time and retain their work concentration. Hence, the more the workplace is organized, the more the working stuff could conduct work. In conclusion, due to its health benefits and time saving merit, I believe that keeping the home and work places tidy is quintessential.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that keeping the individual's residence and work area
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tidy
is fundamental; everything is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tidy
and in the right position. I second this view, and the justification for my claim will be
further
discussed.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, keeping home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tidy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
health. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the residents may suffer from various ailments which arise from unhygienic conditions unless they preserve their home
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
. These conditions facilitate the growth of bacteria and fungi;
therefore
, in the long term, the residents develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
diseases most of which are incurable. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the physical health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on the mood.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to reside in an
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organize' and 'organise') within a single text.
organized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
, or they may become depressed. An eminent example is a research study published by the Faculty of Medicine, Cairo University in 2016; the findings of the study assured that one of the substantial reasons of skin related diseases is the unorganized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
Thus
, if the patients'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
had been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tidy
, they would not have suffered from these ailments.

Furthermore
, keeping the workplace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tidy
saves the workers'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. To illustrate, they
usually
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
duties to achieve during the working hours;
however
, they waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
searching for missed items which are
usually
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
As a result
, their productivity will
be decreased
remarkably
. This
is exemplified
by Google
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which implemented a new law in 2019 and defined a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
for any single item in the employees' office in order to save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and retain their work concentration.
Hence
, the more the workplace is
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organize' and 'organise') within a single text.
organized
, the more the working stuff could conduct work.

In conclusion
, due to its health benefits and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
saving merit, I believe that keeping the home and work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tidy
is quintessential.
19Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people say it is important to keep your home and your workplace tidy, with everything organized and in the correct place. what is your opinion about this? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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