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Some people say immigrant children should be given a biligual education to facilitate the learning process. Other people say these children should be educated only in the new language so they can master it faster. Which one is better v.1

Some people say immigrant children should be given a biligual education to facilitate the learning process. Other people say these children should be educated only in the new language so they can master it faster. Which one is better v. 1
The world has transformed into a global village. Technological advances have made it feasible to keep today’s population abreast of ongoing developments and sharing of ideas regarding scientific research, market avenues and literature. It is commonly believed that all available data should be communicated while another argued that important portions should not be made public. In my opinion, newer progress in these fields should be made available so that society can benefit as a whole. Development of truth in various fields like science, business and literature requires research. The basic workhorse of any sort of such activity is available material and the relevant information. I firmly believe that such information should be made available without any ambiguity so that knowledge, the discovery of new facts and literary assets available can progress smoothly. To clarify further, different people are working on the same aspect at various places without having shared the commonality of the work. For instance, the Ebola virus outbreak happened in Liberia and other African countries claiming thousands of lives. Various multinational organizations started working on the development of a vaccine against Ebola. All these efforts were proved futile till it was announced by the World Health Organization that a joint venture will be conducted to search for a vaccine. Resultantly, a vaccine became available due to coordinated efforts and sharing of all the updated material among various stakeholders. By contrast, many people believe that all the information available should not be shared. It is commonly believed that some data is valuable and communication of any important information may lead to more harm rather than doing good. It is exemplified by the crash of stock markets across the globe in 2007 due to the rapid spread of all the data regarding the American economy. Such notion is true as far as the business community is concerned. By this I mean that companies are in tough competition and may suffer, for example, huge loss if sensitive information regarding their new product is publicized. To conclude, it is relevant to suggest that all the available data relating to science and the arts should be shared freely without any bias while the business information may need a check to avoid losses. This will help enhance the development of evidence based scientific material, prosperous markets and academic literature.
The world has transformed into a global village. Technological advances have made it feasible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s population abreast of ongoing developments and sharing of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
regarding scientific research, market avenues and literature. It is
commonly
believed that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
should
be communicated
while another argued that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
portions should not
be made
public. In my opinion, newer progress in these fields should
be made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that society can benefit as a whole.

Development of truth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
fields like science, business and literature requires research. The basic workhorse of any sort of such activity is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
material and the relevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. I
firmly
believe that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
should
be made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
without any ambiguity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that knowledge, the discovery of new facts and literary assets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
can progress
smoothly
. To clarify
further
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are working on the same aspect at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
places without having shared the commonality of the work.
For instance
, the Ebola virus outbreak happened in Liberia and other African countries claiming thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Various
multinational organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working on the development of a vaccine against Ebola. All these efforts
were proved
futile till it
was announced
by the World Health Organization that a joint venture will
be conducted
to search for a vaccine.
Resultantly
, a vaccine became
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
due to coordinated efforts and sharing of all the updated material among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
stakeholders.

By contrast,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
should not
be shared
. It is
commonly
believed that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is valuable and communication of any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
may lead to more harm
rather
than doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
. It
is exemplified
by the crash of stock markets across the globe in 2007 due to the rapid spread of all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
regarding the American economy. Such notion is true as far as the business community
is concerned
. By this I mean that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are in tough competition and may suffer,
for example
, huge loss if sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
regarding their new product
is publicized
.

To conclude
, it is relevant to suggest that all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
relating to science and the arts should
be shared
freely
without any bias while the business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
may need a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
to avoid losses. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
enhance the development of evidence based scientific material, prosperous markets and academic literature.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say immigrant children should be given a biligual education to facilitate the learning process. Other people say these children should be educated only in the new language so they can master it faster. Which one is better v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
385 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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