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Some people regard work as the most important thing in life and have little interest in anything else. Other people are more enthusiastic about their hobbies and leisure interests than their jobs. v.2

Some people regard work as the most important thing in life and have little interest in anything else. Other people are more enthusiastic about their hobbies and leisure interests than their jobs. v. 2
Work-life balance is a concept that emphasises both the professional and personal life and in my opinion, personal interests are as much important as the works are. I believe that we should focus both on our career and hobbies to maintain a balance in our life and to lead a happy and meaningful life. In regards to work or career, I think that it defines who we are and how we contribute to the society we live in. Perfectly executing our job responsibilities would ensure a steady career growth and a contentment in our life. It is quite reasonable that when we find our works interesting, we can excel in our performance as we work passionately. Undeniably, devotion on our jobs would bring out the best in us and let us reinvent our hidden potentials. To cite an example, many scientists, throughout the history, have completely devoted themselves to their work and have brought marvellous invention for the rest of the humanity. Thus to a certain group of people, work is far more important than any other thing in life. In contrast, another group of people find their hobbies and leisure activities more interesting and focus more on these activities than their career and work. I believe, to a certain extent, they are prudent to emphasise more on things they feel attracted to as we have got only one life to live and being happy and contented is the mantra of life. However, their priority in life often lead to negligence in professional life and as a consequence, they suffer from economic disaster in later life. To conclude, we are the ultimate architect of our life and how we lead our life would define our future. An intelligent person would focus both on work and hobby as he knows the work-life balance is the key to a joyful and prosperous life.
Work-life balance is a concept that
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "emphases", the plural form of the noun 'emphasis'?
emphasises
both the professional and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and in my opinion, personal interests are as much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as the works are. I believe that we should focus both on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and hobbies to maintain a balance in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and to lead a happy and meaningful life.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
In regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it defines who we are and how we contribute to the society we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.
Perfectly
executing our job responsibilities would ensure a steady
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
growth and a contentment in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. It is quite reasonable that when we find our works interesting, we can excel in our performance as we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
passionately
.
Undeniably
, devotion on our jobs would bring out the best in us and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us reinvent our hidden potentials. To cite an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists, throughout the history, have completely devoted themselves to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and have brought
Possible spelling mistake. 'marvellous' is British English.
marvellous
invention for the rest of the humanity.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
to a certain group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than any other thing in life.

In contrast
, another group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find their hobbies and leisure activities more interesting and focus more on these activities than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I believe, to a certain extent, they are prudent to
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
more on things they feel attracted to as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and being happy and contented is the mantra of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, their priority in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lead to negligence in professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and as a consequence, they suffer from economic disaster in later life.

To conclude
, we are the ultimate architect of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and how we lead our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
would define our future. An intelligent person would focus both on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and hobby as he knows the work-life balance is the key to a joyful and prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people regard work as the most important thing in life and have little interest in anything else. Other people are more enthusiastic about their hobbies and leisure interests than their jobs. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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