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Some people think the latest technology for home entertainment such as sophisticated TVs, high-speed internet connections and tablets are having a negative impact on people's lives, especially young people. v.1

Some people think the latest technology for home entertainment such as sophisticated TVs, high-speed internet connections and tablets are having a negative impact on people's lives, especially young people. v. 1
Like many other technological tools, modern home entertainment devices have both positive and negative aspects. However, overall, this has far more advantages than demerits and if not overused, technologies like the high-speed internet and smart TV can be  great learning tools for the people, especially young. To begin with, powerful internet connection, smart TV, gaming console etc. all have entertaining as well as educational values. If not misused, young generation can learn from these sophisticated and advanced devices. The merits or demerits of these devices lie on the parental guidance and the way they are utilised. For instance, if a child watches TV programmes all day long, it would negatively affect his eyes, health and academic performance. However, if a teenager watches educational videos and programmes on YouTube and channels like the NetGeo or  Discovery, he would definitely learn many new things. Another key point to remember, people need entertainment in order to lead a stress-free and happy life. The lack of entertainment facility often attributes towards the moral degradation and this is quite alarming. Hence, people must have ways to spend some quality times on their own. Modern tools like computers, tabloid PCs and smart TVs fill the gap and allow busy people find ways to enjoy their leisure time. Considering this, I would like to suggest that latest technology for the personal and family entertainment is rather a blessing. To conclude, the home entertainment technology itself does not have the ability to bring detrimental outcomes for people. Rather how we use them defines how useful or harmful those devices are and that is why we should be more sensible to use those technologies even if they are meant to entertain or educate us.
Like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other technological tools, modern home entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
have both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects.
However
,
overall
, this has far more advantages than demerits and if not overused,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
like the high-speed internet and smart TV can be
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
great learning tools for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
young.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, powerful internet connection, smart TV, gaming console etc. all have entertaining
as well
as educational values. If not misused, young generation can learn from these sophisticated and advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. The merits or demerits of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
lie on the parental guidance and the way they are
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
.
For instance
, if a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
all day long, it would
negatively
affect his eyes, health and academic performance.
However
, if a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
educational videos and
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
on YouTube and channels like the
Possible spelling mistake found.
NetGeo
or
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Discovery, he would definitely learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new things.

Another key point to remember,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need entertainment in order to lead a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free and happy life. The lack of entertainment facility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attributes towards the moral degradation and this is quite alarming.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have ways to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
quality times on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Modern tools like computers, tabloid PCs and smart TVs fill the gap and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find ways to enjoy their leisure time. Considering this, I would like to suggest that latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
for the personal and family entertainment is
rather
a blessing.

To conclude
, the home entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
itself does not have the ability to bring detrimental outcomes for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Rather
how we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them defines how useful or harmful those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are and
that is
why we should be more sensible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
even if they
are meant
to entertain or educate us.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think the latest technology for home entertainment such as sophisticated TVs, high-speed internet connections and tablets are having a negative impact on people's lives, especially young people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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