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In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people (family, friends, colleagues) are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim. v.1

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people (family, friends, colleagues) are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim. v. 1
The increasing pressures of today’s money-driven world can often cause people to gravitate toward material items. But personal joy can never be achieved through such things as work, success and wealth. Although these things may be nice ‘extras’, it is argued that healthy relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are the true secrets to personal happiness. This will be shown by analysing the often lonely lives of many wealthy celebrities as well as the advice of older people who speak from experience. Firstly, the lives of wealthy celebrities often illustrate that money cannot buy pleasance. For example, despite being fabulously wealthy, Robbie Williams and Kirsten Dunst suffered from clinical depression they attributed to loneliness. As their experiences show, the link between money and true joy appears to not be as strong as the link between loneliness and unhappiness. Thus, relationships between people are more important than money. The advice from many older people regularly reiterates this. For example, all four of my grandparents claim family and friends to be the things that brought them the greatest happiness in their lives. As these sorts of sentiments are common among the elderly of all countries and cultures, it is clear that as people age things of true importance are clarified. Thus, human relationships are much more likely to be precursors to personal happiness than money or careers. As seen above, wealth cannot buy true happiness and this is a realization that all too often comes with old age. It is true, family, friends and colleagues and the relationships formed with them are the genuine catalysts to lasting happiness. Thus, the old adage holds true: the more love a person gives, the more they get.
The increasing pressures of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s money-driven world can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to gravitate toward material items.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
personal joy can never
be achieved
through such things as work, success and wealth. Although these things may be nice ‘extras’, it
is argued
that healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with family, friends, and colleagues are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
true
secrets to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. This will
be shown
by
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
lonely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wealthy celebrities
as well
as the advice of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who speak from experience.

Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of wealthy celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
illustrate that money cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
Possible spelling mistake found.
pleasance
.
For example
, despite being
fabulously
wealthy, Robbie Williams and Kirsten
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dunst
suffered from clinical depression they attributed to loneliness. As their experiences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, the link between money and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
true
joy appears to not be as strong as the link between loneliness and unhappiness.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than money.

The advice from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regularly
reiterates this.
For example
, all four of my grandparents claim family and friends to be the things that brought them the greatest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. As these sorts of sentiments are common among the elderly of all countries and cultures, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
age things of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
true
importance
are clarified
.
Thus
, human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
are much more likely to be precursors to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
than money or careers.

As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
above, wealth cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and this is a realization that all too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
true
, family, friends and colleagues and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
formed with them are the genuine catalysts to lasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
adage holds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
true
: the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
a person gives, the more they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people (family, friends, colleagues) are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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