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Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v.12

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v. 12
People’s views differ as to whether or not electronic games exert detrimental influences on individuals who play them. While there are some undeniable advantages of playing video games, I believe that this kind of recreational activity is more likely to have harmful impacts on users. On the one hand, there are various reasons why people contemplate playing computer games as a decisive action. Firstly, from an educational perspective, computerized games have been introduced as an effective and practical method to encourage players' imagination, creativity as well as concentration, flexibility, and problem-solving skills. For example, players have to adjust their strategies many times during the game in order to accomplish it. Besides, enjoying straightforward games such as Angry Birds or Bejewelled II would bring instant happiness, relaxation and help players improving their mood. This fact, once again, makes people assured that gaming is not harmful, but on the contrary, rather useful. On the other hand, I would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. First of all, the pleasure of accomplishing rounds in a game would soon turn into an addiction as gamers are incessantly given scores, targets, and rewards to keep them playing. Many people, especially adolescents, would spend hours each day trying to achieve higher scores than their friends. This type of addition could hamper the health of an individual to a great extent or could lead to poor academic performances at school for the young. Furthermore, gaming could extend the increase in aggression as gamers have access to those games that have violent characters. In conclusion, while there are many conflicting opinions about playing electronic games, it seems to me that the potential dangers of video games are more significant than the possible benefits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
views differ
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
exert detrimental influences on individuals who play them. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
undeniable advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, I believe that this kind of recreational activity is more likely to have harmful impacts on users.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contemplate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as a decisive action.
Firstly
, from an educational perspective, computerized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
been introduced
as an effective and practical method to encourage players' imagination, creativity
as well
as concentration, flexibility, and problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For example
, players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
adjust their strategies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times during the game in order to accomplish it.
Besides
, enjoying straightforward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as Angry Birds or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bejewelled
II would bring instant happiness, relaxation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
players improving their mood. This fact, once again,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assured that gaming is not harmful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the contrary
,
rather
useful.

On the other hand
, I would argue that these benefits
are outweighed
by the drawbacks.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the pleasure of accomplishing rounds in a game would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
turn into an addiction as gamers are
incessantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
scores, targets, and rewards to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
adolescents, would spend hours each day trying to achieve higher scores than their friends. This type of addition could hamper the health of an individual to a great extent or could lead to poor academic performances at school for the young.
Furthermore
, gaming could extend the increase in aggression as gamers have access to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that have violent characters.

In conclusion
, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
conflicting opinions about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, it seems to me that the potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more significant than the possible benefits.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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