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Some people refuse working women Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people refuse working women v. 1
These days, many women are working in many fields. While some people think that women working is unacceptable, I believe that it is useful in many ways. To begin with, many people usually refuse women work because they are worried about their child's care. Since 2000 or before that, men in our society have asked who want to take care of our children if our wives should be worked outside. Also, some developing societies have a religious beliefs against the women working. For example, 34 percent of women in Saudi Arabia do not have a job because of these prevailing ideas. However, I strongly agree that there are a different benefits for women working. First, they will have a good experience to deal with a wide range of difficulties that face their children. Many studies claim that the educated women have the ability to open many conversations with their children and understand what they want. Next, in these days any family needs an enough money more than the past; accordingly, many women are working to cover the tuition fees for schools and universities for their children. Finally, women working could be a good method to improve the work environment among their special characters such as rationality. To sum up, although many people against the women working, I argue that it is quite important for having a working women in our society.
These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is unacceptable, I believe that it is useful in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
refuse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are worried
about their child's care. Since 2000 or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in our society have asked who want to take care of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if our wives should
be worked
outside.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developing societies have a religious
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "belief"?
beliefs
against the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
For example
, 34 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in Saudi Arabia do not have a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of these prevailing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.

However
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that there are a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "benefit"?
benefits
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
First
, they will have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience to deal with a wide range of difficulties that face their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
studies claim that the educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have the ability to open
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
conversations with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and understand what they want.
Next
, in these days any family needs an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money more than the past;
accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
to cover the tuition fees for schools and universities for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
could be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
method to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the work environment among their special characters such as rationality.

To sum up, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
against the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, I argue that it is quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "woman"?
women
in our society.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people refuse working women v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
231 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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