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Some people prefer to hear the news from the tv. Others prefer to get the news from the computer. Which one do you prefer and why? v.1

Some people prefer to hear the news from the tv. Others prefer to get the news from the computer. Which one do you prefer and why? v. 1
It is widely believed that technology has dominated almost aspects of human’s lives and it is plain in people’s daily life. The internet is one of the latest products of automation that revolutionized the life styles of people. Undoubtedly, the Internet brought numerous conveniences to every other person, but it also causes many deficiencies in our life. In this essay, there are 2 main drawbacks of the Internet technology, widespread use of it, with possible solutions have been discussed. Firstly, the foremost problem caused by the proliferation of using the Internet is that not only has many detrimental effects on health, but also it can lead a sedentary lifestyle. For example, most teens live a sheltered life, but with exposure to various media outlets, it gives them more chance to expand their social circle, which make them become more and more socially awkward and find hard to make friends. Secondly, cyber thief is also one of the most significant problems we should consider. Because of the proliferation of online news sources, it is easy for hackers to steal people’s private information and money or even break down a system. For instance, when you update all your information on social media, hackers can use them to hack your bank account and end up stealing money without your awareness. For me, what is needed to combat is to take definite action. First, people should try to take up outdoor activities to improve their health, make friends and limit time using the Internet. Second, government and authorities could certainly take effort to reduce the leak information and destroying by hackers, which means the government should establish many groups of high qualified network administrator to effectively protect all data against the stealer In conclusion, while the Internet brings huge benefits, it also has many issues that can do harm to its general users and teenagers. In my opinion, the Internet technology is great, for it brings a lot of conveniences to us. Besides, the Internet technology is growing, and I think that it will be perfect in the near future.
It is
widely
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has dominated almost aspects of human’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and it is plain in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The internet is one of the latest products of automation that revolutionized the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
styles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Undoubtedly
, the Internet brought numerous conveniences to every other person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deficiencies in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this essay, there are 2 main drawbacks of the Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, widespread
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of it, with possible solutions have
been discussed
.

Firstly
, the foremost problem caused by the proliferation of using the Internet is that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
detrimental effects on health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it can lead a sedentary lifestyle.
For example
, most teens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a sheltered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with exposure to various media outlets, it gives them more chance to expand their social circle, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them become more and more
socially
awkward and find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends.
Secondly
, cyber thief is
also
one of the most significant problems we should consider.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the proliferation of online news sources, it is easy for hackers to steal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
private information and money or even break down a system.
For instance
, when you update all your information on social media, hackers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them to hack your bank account and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up stealing money without your awareness.

For me, what
is needed
to combat is to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
action.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should try to take up outdoor activities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and limit time using the Internet. Second,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and authorities could
certainly
take effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the leak information and destroying by hackers, which means the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should establish
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
groups of high qualified network administrator to
effectively
protect all data against the stealer

In conclusion
, while the Internet brings huge benefits, it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues that can do harm to its general users and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. In my opinion, the Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is great, for it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
conveniences to us.
Besides
, the Internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is growing, and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it will be perfect in the near future.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Some people prefer to hear the news from the tv. Others prefer to get the news from the computer. Which one do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
346 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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