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Some people prefer to attend sports. Other people prefer to watch others playing sports. Which do you prefer and why? Use specific reasons and example to support your response. v.1

Some people prefer to attend sports. Other people prefer to watch others playing sports. Which do you prefer and why? Use specific reasons and example to support your response. v. 1
There is no doubt that violence is an important issue in our society. While there are many people who think that television and computer games are the problem associated with this, others argue that this is not the cause of those actions. In this essay I will discuss both sides of the argument and support my view with some examples. First and foremost, there are those whose thoughts of brutality are associated with online games. The reason for this statement is that often we saw in the news, teenagers that comet vandalism cause a game. Furthermore, in this modern society the people begin to play and get obsessed with some video games at an early age. Some of the parents help to provide them these resources. As a consequence, some of them begin to play more and more, arriving at a certain point that they think that they're inside the game. However, there are those who deny the possibility that the media resources doesn't affect to the human behaviour. To illustrate this point, some individuals have personality disorders and if they are not medicated, they won't follow the good instructions and then they can be aggressive and commit criminal acts as a result as the lack of the necessary help of resources. To sum up, while there are those who play with video games and they finish obsessed thinking that they're inside in the game, however, there are others who suffer a psychiatric disease and they don't have control of their mind or their acts. Personally, I think that the media games have a lot of influence in the behaviour of the people, but the mind of the human being results to be very complicated to study and is difficult to know and understand how the people who suffer from these problems, how they see the world and reality, as a result of committing acts of violence and vandalism.
There is no doubt that violence is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue in our society. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that television and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are the problem associated with this, others argue that this is not the cause of those actions. In this essay I will discuss both sides of the argument and support my view with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples.

First
and foremost, there are those whose thoughts of brutality
are associated
with online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The reason for this statement is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
in the news,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
that comet vandalism cause a game.
Furthermore
, in this modern society the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to play and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
obsessed with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
at an early age.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to provide them these resources. As a consequence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to play more and more, arriving at a certain point that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they're inside the game.

However
, there are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
deny the possibility that the media resources doesn't affect to the human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. To illustrate this point,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals have personality disorders and if they are not medicated, they won't follow the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
instructions and
then they can be aggressive and commit criminal acts
as a result
as the lack of the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of resources.

To sum up, while there are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
play with video
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
they finish obsessed thinking that they're inside in the game,
however
, there are others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffer a psychiatric
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
disease and
they don't have control of their mind or their acts.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
influence in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the mind of the human being results to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
complicated to study and is difficult to know and understand how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffer from these problems, how they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the world and reality,
as a result
of committing acts of violence and vandalism.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to attend sports. Other people prefer to watch others playing sports. Which do you prefer and why? Use specific reasons and example to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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