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Some people prefer hobbies that require technology while some people think that hobbies do notvrequire technology. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people prefer hobbies that require technology while some people think that hobbies do notvrequire technology. v. 1
There is currently a contentious argument over whether the teachers’ impact on children is much more significant than their parents’. In my opinion, I totally disagree with this opinion because parents are more aware of the kind of intellect their children have and children are more exposed to their parents social behaviours. Firstly, parents have a greater influence on children’s intellectual development than teachers do because parents have better comprehension of their children’s intelligence. In other words, parents give birth to their children, so they can know exactly how intelligent their children are and what specific type of intelligence ability their children obtain. Therefore, parents can choose an effective way to foster their children’s cognitive development. For example, when my brother was a student, my parents knew that he had a special ability to deal with numbers and statistics, so they bought lots of books in mathematics to encourage him to develop his mathematical ability more. Second, children’s social development is more affected by their parents than by their teachers because students are more exposed to their parents’ social behaviors. Although children go to school every day, they stay at home with their parents the rest of their time. Hence, they are more influenced by their parents social behavioral patterns and habits. To illustrate, in my neighbourhood, there is a 7-year-old child whose mother is always aggressive to other people. Despite of the fact that the child is educated by her teacher that she should be polite to others, she easily gets angry at other people. Moreover, she does not greet elderly people and avoids saying thank you when receiving a gift from someone. In conclusion, I completely disagree with the notion that teachers at school have a greater effect on children’s intellectual and social development once they start going to school because parents have a better understanding of their children’s intelligence and children’s social improvement is substantially affected by their parents’ daily behaviours. Given this situation, It seems that teachers and parents should cooperate in order that they can develop children’s intellectual competence and social behaviours better.
There is
currently
a contentious argument over whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers’
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is much more significant than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
. In my opinion, I
totally
disagree with this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more aware of the kind of intellect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more exposed to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a greater influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have better comprehension of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intelligence. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give birth to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can know exactly how intelligent their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are and what specific type of intelligence ability their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obtain.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can choose an effective way to foster their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
cognitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
For example
, when my brother was a student, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
knew that he had a special ability to deal with numbers and statistics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
lots of books in mathematics to encourage him to develop his mathematical ability more.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
than by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
students are more exposed to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
behaviors. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
go to school every day, they stay at home with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
the rest of their time.
Hence
, they are more influenced by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
behavioral patterns and habits. To illustrate, in my
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
, there is a 7-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
child whose mother is always aggressive to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
the fact that the child
is educated
by her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
that she should be polite to others, she
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
angry at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Moreover
, she does not greet elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and avoids saying thank you when receiving a gift from someone.

In conclusion
, I completely disagree with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
at school have a greater effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intellectual and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
once they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
going to school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a better understanding of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intelligence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
improvement is
substantially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
daily
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
this situation, It seems that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should cooperate in order that they can develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intellectual competence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
better.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer hobbies that require technology while some people think that hobbies do notvrequire technology. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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