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some people opine that it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career. while, others think that it is more important to spend time with friends and family. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. v.1

some people opine that it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career. while, others think that it is more important to spend time with friends and family. v. 1
It is irrefutable that time is a key to success, which cannot be stopped. A certain segment is that spending time to become successful is more important. However, others perception is that spending time with their kith and kins has more important rather than for successful career. I would like to delve into both the arguments before forming an opinion. To embark on, utilisation of time towards developing a successful career is essential rather than spending time with friends and family. First and foremost reason is that everyone wants a successful career in their life for their satisfaction and happiness. which has positive effects on their health and fitness. A survey conducted by government is that the masses are suffering from stress. Due to unsuccessful career. Thus, spending time for a successful career is required to reduce this problem. On the other hand, there are various reasons that utilisation of time with family and friends is more important rather than other factors. Such as, relationships can become stronger if a person spend time with his or her family and friends which make a better understanding between them. Hence, reserve time for family and friends is required. Moreover, spending time with friends and family can give a turning point to a person life. For example, a person obtain an opportunity to know the feelings and value of his or her family and friends. Furthermore, parents also get a chance to know the strength and weakness of a individual Therefor, spending time with them is also play a pivotal role in everyone's life In conclusion, spending time in a better way has a paramount important for every individual. As a result, people can should manage their time wisely for their career and for their friends and households. After that they can see drastic change in their life; can get fruitful outcomes.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is a key to success, which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
. A certain segment is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
However
, others perception is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their kith and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "kin", the plural form of the noun 'kin'?
kins
has more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
rather
than for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. I would like to delve into both the arguments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
forming an opinion.

To embark on,
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
towards developing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is essential
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
First
and foremost reason is that everyone wants a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in their life for their satisfaction and happiness.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
which
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on their health and fitness. A survey conducted by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is that the masses are suffering from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. Due to unsuccessful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is required
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this problem.

On the other hand
, there are various reasons that
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
rather
than other factors. Such as, relationships can become stronger if a person spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better understanding between them.
Hence
, reserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
is required
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can give a turning point to a person life.
For example
, a person obtain an opportunity to know the feelings and value of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
Furthermore
, parents
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to know the strength and weakness of
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
individual Therefor,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "played".
play
a pivotal role in everyone's life

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a better way has a paramount
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for every individual.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can should manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wisely
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and households. After that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in their life; can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fruitful outcomes.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay some people opine that it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career. while, others think that it is more important to spend time with friends and family. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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