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Some people think that school should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views v.4

Some people think that school should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. 4
It is arguably, who are all doing continues improvements should be rewarded. Whereas many people are agreeing achievable candidates need to focus particularly. I am not refusing those who are all achievable but my general opinion needs to show the hard working people by continues improvers. First up all, those who are all getting high achievements that people are getting recognized by everyone. They can showcase widely. Secondly, these people are getting motivated day by day by everyone in order to their hard work. For instance, Cambridge University and Oxford University are publishing their results on every year in order to motivate their achievers and try to focus and improve other achievers as well due to this every year successive growth increasing a lot. Nevertheless, those who started from the bottom ranks but slowly getting improvements that people not getting recognized by many people except their parents. If we stimulate them then they can attain anything in the world. Mainly, some people are coming from the very poor background those who are not getting a chance to consummate themselves due to financial problems. We need to tune them to focus their life to gradually increase it. For instance, In Africa, many people are under below poverty but every Olympics we can see a plethora of athletes participating and won the medals as well because of they recognized by the Government and highly motivated them without just focus only achievers. To recapitulate this, many of the success people are getting influenced by all but those who are all eager to achieve and try to improve day by day, we can tune them more to get success in their life.
It is
arguably
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are all doing continues improvements should
be rewarded
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'agreeing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are agreeing
achievable candidates need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
particularly
. I am not refusing those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are all achievable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
my general opinion needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by continues improvers.

First
up all, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are all getting high achievements that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting recognized by everyone. They can showcase
widely
.
Secondly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting motivated
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "day by".
day by day by
everyone in order to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.
For instance
, Cambridge University and Oxford University are publishing their results on every year in order to motivate their achievers and try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
other achievers
as well
due to this every year successive growth increasing a lot.

Nevertheless
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
from the bottom ranks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
slowly
getting improvements that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not getting recognized by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
except their parents. If we stimulate them then they can attain anything in the world.
Mainly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are coming from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
poor background those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not getting a chance to consummate themselves due to financial problems. We need to tune them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
their life to
gradually
increase it.
For instance
, In Africa,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are under below poverty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
every Olympics we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a plethora of athletes participating and won the medals
as well
Probable usage error. Use "because they" instead.
because of they
recognized by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and
highly
motivated them without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
achievers.

To recapitulate this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the success
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting influenced by all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are all eager to achieve and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
day by day, we can tune them more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success in their life.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that school should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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