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Some people like to do only what they do already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which do you prefer? v.1

Some people like to do only what they do already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which do you prefer? v. 1
Some would argue that children should be taught how to become good citizens in society by their parents, while others say that the best place to learn this is actually at school. Although parents are role models of their children, I believe that educating them at school is a better option. On the one hand, the way that parents teach children can be very effective because most of the children consider their parents as role models. That is to say, in their minds, their parents are the best people in the whole society and they want to be like their parents. Therefore, compared with other people’s words, they tend to listen to their parents’ suggestions more carefully. For example, a recent study at Frankfurt University in Germany showed that more than 35% of children whose parents were doctors or nurses would be more willing to do some medical-related jobs in their future than those whose parents worked in other industries. However, I believe that sometimes children rebel against what their parents say especially in their adolescence. On the other hand, the way that schools teach children how to be a good person is the better choice because schools can provide them with systematic learning. That is to say, schools can provide children with some courses and voluntary organizations so that they can learn about what is a good citizen in society and how to become a good one. For example, in the USA some secondary schools created charitable organizations where their students could donate money to help others. I believe that this method is preferable because it benefits individuals and society as a whole. In conclusion, although parent’s teaching is very effective because parents are the first teacher from whom children can learn, teenagers’ rebellion can harm this and that is why school’s teaching is more important because they can learn and practice at the same time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
how to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
citizens in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, while others say that the best place to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
this is actually at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are role models of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I believe that educating them at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is a better option.

On the one hand, the way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
consider their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as role models.
That is
to say, in their minds, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the whole
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
they want to be like their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Therefore
, compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s words, they tend to listen to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
suggestions more
carefully
.
For example
, a recent study at Frankfurt University in Germany
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that more than 35% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were doctors or nurses would be more willing to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
medical-related jobs in their future than those whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
worked in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
industries.
However
, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rebel against what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
say
especially
in their adolescence.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the way that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
person is the better choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can provide them with systematic learning.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
courses and voluntary organizations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
about what is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
citizen in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and how to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
one.
For example
, in the USA
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
created charitable organizations where their students could donate money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others. I believe that this method is preferable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it benefits individuals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a whole.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
teaching is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teacher from whom
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
’ rebellion can harm this and
that is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
teaching is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
and practice at the same time.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people like to do only what they do already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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