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Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.8

Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. v. 8
The improvements in technology has had a tremendous impact on people from all ages. Because of this, people are addicted to all the latest instruments in the market such as mobile phones, desktops and other latest devices. I completely disagree with the necessity to always buy the latest device available in the market. Let us discuss this in more detail. Some people are very tech savvy and hence wants to always stay updated about latest technology. In some cases, it is important to stay tuned with the latest handsets and devices in the market for professional reasons. For instance, people working on designing and developing an antivirus and antifraud solution for devices might need to always have information about the new features and settings on new devices. Otherwise, there is no reason for people to always buy latest devices. While some people like to show off their new handsets and devices to their friends, few others are only obsessed with every new device launched in the market. This results in financial crunch for some people since most part of their savings is wasted on buying new devices. In few countries, most of these devices are imported from other countries like China and excessive buying of new devices would result in the increase in import of these devices. This negatively affects the economy of a country. Most of the times the new device that is launched in the market has only one or two minor changes in the features as compared to the earlier version of the device. But, the advertisement made by the company is such that, it appeals to the people and hence they buy it. In conclusion, before buying new phones and other devices one should properly analyse and research the device for its real benefits. After the research, if the outcome still seems beneficial, only then one should buy a new one.
The improvements in technology
You should probably use "have", "haven".
has
had a tremendous impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all ages.
Because of this
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are addicted
to all the latest instruments in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
such as mobile phones, desktops and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. I completely disagree with the necessity to always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
available in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us discuss this in more detail.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
tech savvy
and
hence
wants to always stay updated about
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to stay tuned with the latest handsets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
for professional reasons.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working on designing and developing an antivirus and
Possible spelling mistake found.
antifraud
solution for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
might need to always have information about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
features and settings on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
devices.

Otherwise
, there is no reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
handsets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
to their friends, few others are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
obsessed with every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
launched in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
. This results in financial crunch for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
since most part of their savings
is wasted
on buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. In few countries, most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are imported
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries like China and excessive buying of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
would result in the increase in import of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. This
negatively
affects the economy of a country.
Consider using "most of the time" if you mean "usually" or "very often".
Most of the times
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
that
is launched
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one or two minor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the features as compared to the earlier version of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the advertisement made by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is such that, it appeals to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
hence
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
phones and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
one should
properly
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
and research the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
for its real benefits. After the research, if the outcome
still
seems beneficial,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
then one should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
one.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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