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Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.7

Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. v. 7
There are certain people who are satisfied with their current cell phones and laptops while there are some who like to purchase the latest gadgets, which I totally agree with. In this essay, I will discuss the reason why I am supporting them. To begin with, as we are expected to be multitasking and to produce results faster from our boss, it is very devastating and frustrating to see the laptop response slowly. Because all electronics have its own lifespan, it will respond slowly when it is reaching the end of life. Whereby, it is very counterproductive when we need to keep waiting it to finish saving a file. For example, when I owned the latest gadgets that normally come with faster and upgraded latest processor, I could do more productive jobs rather than I have to constantly worry about when the next breakout will happen. Therefore, it is very important to have the latest electronic appliances. On the other hand, there are certain people will argue that we should not just focus our salary on chasing after the latest technology, however, they are spending on somewhere else. Even if, they are self-declared that they are more conscious on their spending, they might end up spend more fund. For instance, they might be spending their wealth regularly on a fancy dinner, expensive clothes or an overseas vacation that cost them even more. Thus, they are spending the same amount, but their wealth is allocated to other more luxurious things. To conclude with, as many people will argue that we should pay for something else that are more meaningful, but not solely on the latest devices. However, it is true that everyone has their own needs when it comes to spending, but we shouldn't forget we should spend wisely if it can help us to grow professionally and efficiently.
There are certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
are satisfied
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
cell phones and laptops while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the latest gadgets, which I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with. In this essay, I will discuss the reason why I am supporting them.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, as we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be multitasking and to produce results faster from our boss, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
devastating and frustrating to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the laptop response
slowly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
all electronics have its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
lifespan, it will respond
slowly
when it is reaching the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of life. Whereby, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
counterproductive when we need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
waiting it to finish saving a file.
For example
, when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
the latest gadgets that
normally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with faster and upgraded
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
processor, I could do more productive jobs
rather
than I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
constantly
worry about when the
next
breakout will happen.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have the latest electronic appliances.

On the other hand
, there are certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will argue that we should not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focus our salary on chasing after the latest technology,
however
, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on somewhere else. Even if, they are self-declared that they are more conscious on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
, they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up spend more fund.
For instance
, they might be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
their wealth
regularly
on a fancy dinner, expensive clothes or an overseas vacation that cost them even more.
Thus
, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
the same amount,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their wealth
is allocated
to other more luxurious things.

To conclude
with, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will argue that we should pay for something else that are more meaningful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
solely
on the latest devices.
However
, it is true that everyone has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
needs when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we shouldn't forget we should spend
wisely
if it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to grow
professionally
and
efficiently
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people like to buy new phones, new desktop or other latest devices. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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