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Some people like to always have people around them. Others would rather be alone. Which way do you like to spend your free time and why? v.1

Some people like to always have people around them. Others would rather be alone. Which way do you like to spend your free time and why? v. 1
Living in nuclear families or apart from others in urban areas is becoming a tendency in human society nowadays. Personally, I believe this trend will definitely bring back numerous benefits. First of all, the worth mentioning here is that when people live independently, they can have a chance to develop their interpersonal skills, for they will face with many unexpected situations requiring them to overcome the problems by themselves. Take financial issues as an example, individuals will know how to manage expenses and spend money wisely so that they do not get support from their relatives. Moreover, young adults who opt to live on their own can enjoy more freedom without being disturbed. For instance, a young single woman is given a myriad of options to do on the weekends, like going out with their friends, doing shopping or taking a short vacation instead of staying at home to look after their children if they get married. Moreover, compared to large families, it is easier for small family units to spend time with each other and join family bonding activities such as shared dinners, picnics or talking. Therefore, individuals are more likely to have a pleasant life with their family as they feel a great sense of kinship and belonging. Finally, people in two-generation families will experience fewer conflicts. If they live in an extended family, especially with the older generation, receiving criticisms and being judged from the perspective of the elderly is inevitable. To illustrate, a teenager who often plays computer games to relax after finishing his homework will be considered addicted to gaming by elders. Instead, he is told to read some books. As a result, this can lead to quarrels among the members and develop mutual hatred. In conclusion, although these lifestyles still have some drawbacks, for example, people can suffer from loneliness and depression, living alone or living in small families still offer some great benefits to everyone.
Living in nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
or apart from others in urban areas is becoming a tendency in human society nowadays.
Personally
, I believe this trend will definitely bring back numerous benefits.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the worth mentioning here is that when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
, they can have a chance to develop their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, for they will face with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unexpected situations requiring them to overcome the problems by themselves. Take financial issues as an example, individuals will know how to manage expenses and spend money
wisely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
support from their relatives.
Moreover
, young adults who opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
can enjoy more freedom without
being disturbed
.
For instance
, a young single woman is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a myriad of options to do on the weekends, like going out with their friends,
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "going shopping".
doing shopping
or taking a short vacation
instead
of staying at home to look after their children if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married.

Moreover
, compared to large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, it is easier for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
units to spend time with each other and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bonding activities such as shared dinners, picnics or talking.
Therefore
, individuals are more likely to have a pleasant life with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as they feel a great sense of kinship and belonging.
Finally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in two-generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
will experience fewer conflicts. If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
with the older generation, receiving criticisms and
being judged
from the perspective of the elderly is inevitable. To illustrate, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
plays computer games to relax after finishing his homework will
be considered
addicted to gaming by elders.
Instead
, he is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
to read
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
books.
As a result
, this can lead to quarrels among the members and develop mutual hatred.

In conclusion
, although these lifestyles
still
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can suffer from loneliness and depression, living alone or living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
still
offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
great benefits to everyone.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people like to always have people around them. Others would rather be alone. Which way do you like to spend your free time and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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