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Many people choose to be self-employed rather than to work for a company. v.1

Many people choose to be self-employed rather than to work for a company. v. 1
Turning to the reasons of the argument, there are two main ideas that attract people to run their own business. First of all, people attempt to do whatever they want which is associated with their passions like designers, painters and so on. Therefore, if they are able to interweave both their careers and their hobbies together, there is no doubt that they will be triumphant. For instance, the creative inspiration of artists will be better in case they are not interrupted by the leaders. Secondly, people who are not under pressure from deadlines or the boss and can spend more time with friends and families than others. As a result, they have a chance to keep balance everything in their life. According to the analysis of many scientists, they concretely prove that spend most times working is one of the main impacts that weakens the relationship between children and their parents. On the other hand, people cannot deny that there are several problems when they run their own business. For example, if people do not broaden their knowledge, they will be struggling with many issues in their business as a concerning problem. In the event that someone is fond of tourism and they choose to become a tourist guide while their experiences are not good enough. Therefore, they will be at risk because of their lack of information. To conclude, being self-employed make an outstanding contribution to the passions of people, I completely believe that people should prepare essential skills before running their own passion because of possible risks.
Turning to the reasons of the argument, there are two main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attempt to do whatever they want which
is associated
with their passions like designers, painters and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Therefore
, if they are able to interweave both their careers and their hobbies together, there is no doubt that they will be triumphant.
For instance
, the creative inspiration of artists will be better in case they are not interrupted by the leaders.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not under pressure from deadlines or the boss and can spend more time with friends and families than others.
As a result
, they have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
balance everything in their life. According to the analysis of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists, they
concretely
prove that spend most times working is one of the main impacts that weakens the relationship between children and their parents.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot deny that there are several problems when they run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not broaden their knowledge, they will be struggling with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues in their business as a concerning problem. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
that someone is fond of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
tourism and
they choose to become a tourist guide while their experiences are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
Therefore
, they will be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their lack of information.

To conclude
, being self-employed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an outstanding contribution to the passions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I completely believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should prepare essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
passion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people choose to be self-employed rather than to work for a company. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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