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Some people from poor and rural backgrounds find it difficult to get a university education. Universities should make it easier for such groups to enrol. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.9

Some people from poor and rural backgrounds find it difficult to get a university education. Universities should make it easier for such groups to enrol. v. 9
Nowadays academic education seems necessary for almost all people, in order to find job or to use new technology developments. Nevertheless, there are still some people who cannot access to a university. But there are disadvantages, and also advantages for that. First privilege of this happening is that there would be labour force for non-academic jobs. Some vocations are not only do not need graduated workers, but also graduated persons are not willing to do these kind of jobs. For instance, street sweeping known by a society as a low-class job, and someone with academic degree probably would not accept to do that. Therefore, if everybody enrols at college, there would be insufficient labourer for these sort of careers. Besides, universities are usually placed in big cities, as a result of which providing easy access to them leads rural inhabitants to migrate to mega cities. It is proved that increase in migration rate from villages and suburbs to cities is not beneficial due to raise in unemployment rate and overpopulation in cities. On the other hand, it is one of government' s responsibilities to provide free education for all society members, including the wealthy and the poor. All facilities, includes education, should distributed in country scale as much as possible. In addition, going to university definitely makes people more knowledgeable and aware about events and happenings across the country and the world. Consequently, an academic society is more informed and able to make more proper collective decisions, such as in elections. In conclusion, personally, I am of the opinion that the positive incomes of easing the accessibility to academic education for deprived and rural persons outweigh the drawbacks. This is because it is fundamental for making aware society, and because it is one of government' s important duties to look at people equally and try to distribute resources equally.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
seems necessary for almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, in order to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
new technology developments.
Nevertheless
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who cannot access to a university.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are disadvantages, and
also
advantages for that.

First
privilege of this happening is that there would be
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force for non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
vocations are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do not need graduated workers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
graduated persons are not willing to do
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
For instance
, street sweeping known by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a low-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, and someone with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
degree
probably
would not accept to do that.
Therefore
, if everybody
Possible spelling mistake found.
enrols
at college, there would be insufficient
Possible spelling mistake found.
labourer
for
Did you mean "this sort" or "these sorts"?
these sort
of careers.
Besides
, universities are
usually
placed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities,
as a result
of which providing easy access to them leads rural inhabitants to migrate to mega cities. It
is proved
that increase in migration rate from villages and suburbs to cities is not beneficial due to raise in unemployment rate and overpopulation in cities.

On the other hand
, it is one of
Possible spelling mistake found.
government&
#039; s responsibilities to provide free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
members, including the wealthy and the poor. All facilities, includes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "distribute"
distributed
in country scale as much as possible.
In addition
, going to university definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more knowledgeable and aware about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and happenings across the country and the world.
Consequently
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is more informed and able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more proper collective decisions, such as in elections.

In conclusion
,
personally
, I am of the opinion that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
incomes of easing the accessibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for deprived and rural persons outweigh the drawbacks. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is fundamental for making aware
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is one of
Possible spelling mistake found.
government&
#039; s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
duties to look at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
equally
and try to distribute resources
equally
.
19Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people from poor and rural backgrounds find it difficult to get a university education. Universities should make it easier for such groups to enrol. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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