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Some people feel that entertainers(eg. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? v.1

Some people feel that entertainers(eg. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 1
Some people think that the media coverage of the whole lifestyle of celebrities put the wrong impact of juvenile's lives. I have firm justification to assent to the given opinion. It is because youngsters try to be as their favourite celebs or due to the famous people’s indecent behaviour. The first reason is that young personalities accept celebrity as their role model. They usually follow the lifestyle of their favourite stars. As a result of it, offsprings indulge in unfavourable activities such as drinking, smoking, consumption of drugs. In addition, prominent people at the moment are more being involved or even owning some charities to help children in need. Among the UK celebrities considered 'bad' and 'famous for nothing' were Canadian singer Justin Bieber since he was arrested on suspicion of drink driving and drag racing in January 2014. A huge number of film stars have been indulging in wrong things such as crime, Casanova, and use of faux language. These factors put a negative effect on the minds of the young and undoubtedly make them think wrong about the life, that is to say, they tend to live in an easy lifestyle instead of learning how to cope with issues in the real world. The severe problem young individuals could leave them to stay in a position of lost. A famous film star Macaulay Culkin ceased his career at the age of 14, then his life was becoming worse due to the spending all his money on having fun like drinking and taking drugs. To conclude, it is undeniable that children follow the lifestyle of the favourite celebs whether they are good human beings or devil. According to my perceptions, that person who all into fame could affect home the moral values, and to have high crime rates and moan young people.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the media coverage of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
of celebrities
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "puts"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'put' is not always incorrect.)
put
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
impact of juvenile's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I have firm justification to assent to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opinion. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
youngsters try to be as their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celebs or due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
indecent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

The
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
personalities accept celebrity as their role model. They
usually
follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
stars.
As a result
of it,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
indulge in
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
activities such as drinking, smoking, consumption of drugs.
In addition
, prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the moment are more
being involved
or even owning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
charities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
children in need. Among the UK celebrities considered '
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
' and '
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for nothing' were Canadian singer Justin Bieber since he
was arrested
on suspicion of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
drink driving
and drag racing in January 2014.

A huge number of film stars have been indulging in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
things such as crime, Casanova, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of faux language. These factors put a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the minds of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and
undoubtedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
about the life,
that is
to say, they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an easy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
instead
of learning how to cope with issues in the real world. The severe problem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them to stay in a position of lost. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
film star Macaulay
Possible spelling mistake found.
Culkin
ceased his career at the age of 14, then his life was becoming worse due to the spending all his money on having fun like drinking and taking drugs.

To conclude
, it is undeniable that children follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celebs whether they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human beings or devil. According to my perceptions, that person who all into fame could affect home the moral values, and to have high crime rates and moan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers(eg. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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