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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? v.11

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. v. 11
With the rapid development of modern technologies such as the internet or television, entertainers have become increasingly popular. Some people believe that celebrities are getting too high salary. Given that it is not fair to others and some celebrities are not well deserved, I completely agree that they are paid too much money. First of all, Having such an enormous salary is unfair to those working in other vocations which contribute much more to the society. For instance, an engineer has an average monthly salary of HK$ 30000, while a famous film star or a pop musician can earn more than a million in less than one month. Although some vocations such as doctors, engineers or scientists solve real world problems for the society, they are not getting the wages that they deserved and indeed, even less than those stars who entertain others only. Therefore, I think that it’s unfair to those who really benefit the society at large. Moreover, some celebrities are not deserved to get such a high-paid salary. As an example, it is reported that there are many sports stars or film stars are involved in some crimes such as utilise illegal medicines or participate a violent fight. A celebrities should be a role model to the general public otherwise some tender and vulnerable children may portray their actions. As a result, some entertainers are not really deserved to get such an enormous. Having discussed that entertainers who receive such a high-paying salary is unfair to others and some are not deserved to. I firmly agree that they are being paid too much money. If the money could be used widely, I am confident that the society would be much better than before.
With the rapid development of modern technologies such as the internet or television, entertainers have become
increasingly
popular.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are getting too high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to others and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are not well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserved
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they
are paid
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
money.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Having such an enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
is unfair to those working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
vocations which contribute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
more to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
For instance
, an engineer has an average monthly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
HK$
30000, while a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
film star or a pop musician can earn more than a million in less than one month. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vocations such as doctors, engineers or scientists solve real world problems for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, they are not getting the wages that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserved
and
indeed
, even less than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
who entertain others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it’s unfair to those who
really
benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
at large.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserved
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
such a high-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
. As an example, it
is reported
that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
or film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crimes such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
illegal medicines or participate a violent fight. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
should be a role model to the
Consider using "public".
general public
otherwise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tender and vulnerable children may portray their actions.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
entertainers are not
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserved
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
such
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an enormous
.

Having discussed that entertainers who receive such a high-paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
is unfair to others and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
deserved
to. I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they are
being paid
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
money. If the money could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
widely
, I am confident that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
better than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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