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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? v.11

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. v. 11
With the rapid development of modern technologies such as the internet or television, entertainers have become increasingly popular. Some people believe that celebrities are getting too high salary. Given that it is not fair to others and some celebrities are not well deserved, I completely agree that they are paid too much money. First of all, Having such an enormous salary is unfair to those working in other vocations which contribute much more to the society. For instance, an engineer has an average monthly salary of HK$ 30000, while a famous film star or a pop musician can earn more than a million in less than one month. Although some vocations such as doctors, engineers or scientists solve real world problems for the society, they are not getting the wages that they deserved and indeed, even less than those stars who entertain others only. Therefore, I think that it’s unfair to those who really benefit the society at large. Moreover, some celebrities are not deserved to get such a high-paid salary. As an example, it is reported that there are many sports stars or film stars are involved in some crimes such as utilise illegal medicines or participate a violent fight. A celebrities should be a role model to the general public otherwise some tender and vulnerable children may portray their actions. As a result, some entertainers are not really deserved to get such an enormous. Having discussed that entertainers who receive such a high-paying salary is unfair to others and some are not deserved to. I firmly agree that they are being paid too much money. If the money could be used widely, I am confident that the society would be much better than before.
With the rapid development of modern technologies such as the internet or television, entertainers have become
increasingly
popular.
Some
people
believe that
celebrities
are getting too high
salary
.
Given
that it is not
fair
to others and
some
celebrities
are not well
deserved
, I completely
agree
that they
are paid
too
much
money.

First of all
, Having such an enormous
salary
is unfair to those working in
other
vocations which contribute
much
more to the
society
.
For instance
, an engineer has an average monthly
salary
of
HK$
30000, while a
famous
film star or a pop musician can earn more than a million in less than one month. Although
some
vocations such as doctors, engineers or scientists solve real world problems for the
society
, they are not getting the wages that they
deserved
and
indeed
, even less than those
stars
who entertain others
only
.
Therefore
, I
think
that it’s unfair to those who
really
benefit the
society
at large.

Moreover
,
some
celebrities
are not
deserved
to
get
such a high-paid
salary
. As an example, it
is reported
that there are
many
sports
stars
or film
stars
are involved
in
some
crimes such as
utilise
illegal medicines or participate a violent fight. A
celebrities
should be a role model to the
general public
otherwise
some
tender and vulnerable children may portray their actions.
As a result
,
some
entertainers are not
really
deserved
to
get
such
an enormous
.

Having discussed that entertainers who receive such a high-paying
salary
is unfair to others and
some
are not
deserved
to. I
firmly
agree
that they are
being paid
too
much
money. If the money could be
used
widely
, I am confident that the
society
would be
much
better than
before
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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