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Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v.1

Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 1
It has been well discussed around the globe that, celebrities are getting more wages compare with other professionals. On the other hand, there have many jobs where we need to pay higher salaries as compare with celebrities. Like every coin, it has two sides. It also shed light on both before drawing a logical conclusion. On one side of the issue, people think that it brings many positive aspects. The first one can be said that the quality of the work will be improved as well as they will engage with many social activities. For example, nowadays many actors and film stars are helping poor people. However, the teachers should be paid a higher salary as they are building our nation. They are entertained with a lower amount, as a result, highly qualified peoples are not interested in teaching profession. On the other side, others hold some opposing view which cannot be neglected. To begin with actors is being focused on their works rather then addressing the quality. For example, now people are not often watching movies when they are passing leisure time. Besides that, If we encourage our teacher with handsome wages, they are not conscious about the study of the students as they are always thinking about how to earn money. In recent years study shows that, there have lots of coaching centres are in the city and teachers are being given their most of the time in these learning homes without providing time at school. To recapitulate, I would like to clarify my opinion that the positive aspect outweigh the down sites to a large extent. I think what i have stated in this essay underline my viewpoint and requires no more discussion.
It has been well discussed around the globe that, celebrities are getting more wages compare with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
jobs where we need to pay higher salaries as compare with celebrities. Like every coin, it has two sides. It
also
shed light on both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing a logical conclusion.

On one side of the issue,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects. The
first
one can
be said
that the quality of the work will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
as well
as they will engage with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social activities.
For example
, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
actors and film stars are helping poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, the teachers should
be paid
a higher salary as they are building our nation. They
are entertained
with a lower amount,
as a result
,
highly
qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
are not interested in teaching profession.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side, others hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opposing view which cannot
be neglected
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with actors is
being focused
on their works
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
addressing the quality.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
watching movies when they are passing leisure time.
Besides
that, If we encourage our teacher with handsome wages, they are not conscious about the study of the students as they are always thinking about how to earn money. In recent years study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that, there have lots of coaching
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are in the city and teachers are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
their most of the time in these learning homes without providing time at school.

To recapitulate, I would like to clarify my opinion that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect outweigh the down sites to a large extent. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
what
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
have stated in this essay underline my viewpoint and requires no more discussion.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers are paid too much money. Which other types of jobs should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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