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Some people do not believe in the benefits of good diet and daily exercise. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people do not believe in the benefits of good diet and daily exercise. v. 1
In recent years, it is one of the heated topics of discussion, that whether or not human interaction is more the more increased. While some people say that individual life further significant to modern society, I believe that increasing numbers of people reliant together. One the one hand, there are several reasons, why some people believe that nowadays people can live perfectly without relying on others. In the first place, the social atmosphere values individual independence to people. Compared to the past, in the Korea, participation in the company dinner was not an option. But now, unwanted people don’t have to attend because they respect their daily lives after work. Another world, in the past, there was a culture where people would say hello to their people and share snacks when they moved, but that culture is disappearing these days. Nevertheless, I am personally opinion that we count on each other. There are obvious reasons. Firstly, thanks to the development of the internet, most of the people who live in modern society. It can make our life more rely on others because from time to time we are searching information through others Instagram posts such as restaurants, coffee and even parking area. Another worth mentioning is that from a societal perspective all around the world, industrial and cultural exchanges are growing, another word, there are many factories in china and their products are supplied by global companies. For example, in Korea, Hyundai motor company imports auto parts from china. However, due to the recent corona virus, many factories in China are taking a rest and the impact has led to the suspension of production at Korea’s auto plant. In conclusion, all around the world, there are a great number of people increasingly cooperation and relationship each other in personal, social and some of the global company terms.
In recent years, it is one of the heated topics of discussion, that
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
human interaction is more the more increased. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that individual life
further
significant to modern society, I believe that increasing numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reliant together.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, there are several reasons, why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
perfectly
without relying on others. In the
first
place, the social atmosphere values individual independence to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Compared to the past, in the Korea, participation in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
dinner was not an option.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, unwanted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
attend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they respect their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
after work. Another world, in the past, there was a culture where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would say hello to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and share snacks when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that culture is disappearing these days.

Nevertheless
, I am
personally
opinion that we count on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. There are obvious reasons.
Firstly
, thanks to the development of the internet, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in modern society. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our life more rely on others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
from time to time we are searching information through others Instagram posts such as restaurants, coffee and even parking area. Another worth mentioning is that from a societal perspective all around the world, industrial and cultural exchanges are growing, another word, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factories in
Capitalize this word if you mean the country, not white porcelain.
china
and their products
are supplied
by global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
For example
, in Korea, Hyundai motor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
imports auto parts from
Capitalize this word if you mean the country, not white porcelain.
china
.
However
, due to the recent
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factories in China are taking a rest and the impact has led to the suspension of production at Korea’s auto plant.

In conclusion
, all around the world, there are a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increasingly
cooperation and relationship each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in personal, social and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
terms.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people do not believe in the benefits of good diet and daily exercise. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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