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Some people do not allow their children to participate in games, sports, or competitions unless everyone gets a prize. Others think that children must learn to deal with winning and losing in order to be fully prepared for life. v.2

Some people do not allow their children to participate in games, sports, or competitions unless everyone gets a prize. Others think that children must learn to deal with winning and losing in order to be fully prepared for life. v. 2
From the moment of being born until becoming an adolescent, children needs special care and guidance from teachers, parents and friends become a healthy, intelligent, and ethical individual. According to some people, through participating in activities that involves competitive challenges, children can develop and ready themselves for life ahead. However, there are also some opposing views to this claim as well, stating that such action would not be beneficial unless there are prizes for everyone. In this essay, both perspectives will be discussed. Firstly, according to the opinions of some citizens, games, sports or competitions should not be involved with if they do not grant at least some sort of recognition in the form of rewards to all players due to the negative effect of losing may have on their child, and a possibility of the loss of motivation to join future similar activities occurring. In other words, young children, who do not get compensated for their efforts at the end of doing something, may feel insecure about their own abilities and intelligence which will lead to the act of not going out of their comfort zone later on. For instance, in a recent survey carried out by scientists, on the topic of the development of confidence in early childhoods, from the university of Oxford, 86% of parents, who was interviewed, saw a slight to medium decrease in their children's confidence when they do not get rewarded for playing a game or joining sport festivals in their schools. In addition, 57% of the same target group expressed concerns about the loss of the desire to partake in future games or competitions from their offsprings. On the other hand, there are also some opposing arguments to the beliefs above as well. As a matter of fact, winning and losing are a part of life, and it is crucial for parents and teachers make sure the new generation can learn this lesson in order to become a tirelessly productive and hard working individual. Simply put, young contestants, who realize that there will be not anything given to them if they fail the competition, will be given an incentive to try harder and put in more effort into winning, which will result in a vast improvement by the end despite winning or losing. For instance, a report on the development of skills for children in the UK has shown that almost 90% of young generation will likely go to become more actively involved in doing something if they know what they will most likely going to lose (or in this case, not going to have) by the end of a task, which consequentially improve their resilience and work ethic tremendously. In conclusion, ranging from the attempt to protect the self confidence of young individuals to ensuring that hard-workings and goal oriented seeds can be planted within our new human resources, it is undeniable that both sides have reasonable explanations and valid points of argument. From a personal point of view, the latter side of the debate is more appealing due to the real reason being offered, and parents as well as educators should put more attention in creating disciplined rather than self-assured but entitled children.
From the moment of
being born
until becoming an adolescent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
needs special care and guidance from teachers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and friends become a healthy, intelligent, and ethical individual. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, through participating in activities that involves competitive challenges,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can develop and ready themselves for life ahead.
However
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opposing views to this claim
as well
, stating that such action would not be beneficial unless there are prizes for everyone. In this essay, both perspectives will
be discussed
.

Firstly
, according to the opinions of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
citizens, games, sports or competitions should not
be involved
with if they do not grant at least
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of recognition in the form of rewards to all players due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect of losing may have on their child, and a possibility of the loss of motivation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
future similar activities occurring.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
compensated for their efforts at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of doing something, may feel insecure about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
abilities and intelligence which will lead to the act of not going out of their comfort zone later on.
For instance
, in a recent survey carried out by scientists, on the topic of the development of confidence in early childhoods, from the
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
university of Oxford
, 86% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, who
was interviewed
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a slight to medium decrease in their children's confidence when they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rewarded for playing a game or joining sport festivals in their schools.
In addition
, 57% of the same target group expressed concerns about the loss of the desire to partake in future games or competitions from their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.

On the other hand
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opposing arguments to the beliefs above
as well
. As a matter of fact, winning and losing are a part of life, and it is crucial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure the new generation can learn this lesson in order to become a
tirelessly
productive and
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
individual.
Simply
put,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
contestants, who realize that there will be not anything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them if they fail the competition, will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an incentive to try harder and put in more effort into winning, which will result in a vast improvement by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
despite winning or losing.
For instance
, a report on the development of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the UK has shown that almost 90% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation will likely go to become more
actively
involved in doing something if they know what they will most likely going to lose (or
in this case
, not going to have) by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of a task, which
consequentially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their resilience and work ethic
tremendously
.

In conclusion
, ranging from the attempt to protect the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self confidence
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals to ensuring that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-workings and goal oriented seeds can
be planted
within our new human resources, it is undeniable that both sides have reasonable explanations and valid points of argument. From a personal point of view, the latter side of the debate is more appealing due to the real reason
being offered
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
as well
as educators should put more attention in creating disciplined
rather
than self-assured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
entitled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Some people do not allow their children to participate in games, sports, or competitions unless everyone gets a prize. Others think that children must learn to deal with winning and losing in order to be fully prepared for life. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
532 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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