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Some people think that it should be mandatory for students to perform unpaid community service to graduate. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that it should be mandatory for students to perform unpaid community service to graduate. v. 1
It is undeniable that participant in volunteering activities provides many advantages for students. This is the reason why many people suggest that these activities should be a compulsory part of a graduation requirement. I personally agree with this viewpoint for many reasons, described in the following paragraphs. To begin with, I strongly believe that education should not be limited to academic pursuits. Students should accumulate life skills in order to become successful in the future. Students who participate in volunteer works can develop many social skills such as teamwork, communication skills, problem solving skills and time management skills when they work with people from different backgrounds. These activities are considered to be excellent preparation for the future by offering students a chance to build their resumes, to explore career options and to discover their hidden talents and interest. For example, If someone is interested in becoming a teacher, he or she can do tutoring; if his or her interest is health care, working in a hospital would be beneficial. Furthermore, unpaid community work can also increase their creativity and self-confidence, leading to the notable achievement in adult lives. Additionally, working on volunteering activities spontaneously not only makes students more aware with their neighbourhood and society, but also helps them gain more experience to develop their personalities and responsibility. In other words, students will learn to be responsible for completing assigned jobs and develop a good work ethic. On top of that, many colleges and companies are increasingly looking for these skills and experience from graduates because they are confident that these qualities are important. This means that students who graduate with voluntary experience will have better opportunities in applying for college study and career. In conclusion, unpaid community service should be a graduation requirement because it offers students, many benefits in their future career and life.
It is undeniable that participant in volunteering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This is the reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
should be a compulsory part of a graduation requirement. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
strongly
believe that education should not
be limited
to academic pursuits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
should accumulate life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in order to become successful in the future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
who participate in volunteer works can develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as teamwork, communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, problem solving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and time management
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are considered
to be excellent preparation for the future by offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a chance to build their resumes, to explore career options and to discover their hidden talents and interest.
For example
, If someone
is interested
in becoming a teacher, he or she can
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go tutoring".
do tutoring
; if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
interest is health care, working in a hospital would be beneficial.
Furthermore
, unpaid community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can
also
increase their creativity and self-confidence, leading to the notable achievement in adult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Additionally
, working on volunteering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
spontaneously
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
more aware with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
and society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them gain more experience to develop their personalities and responsibility.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will learn to be responsible for completing assigned jobs and develop a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
ethic.
On top of that
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
colleges and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
increasingly
looking for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and experience from graduates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are confident that these qualities are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who graduate with voluntary experience will have better opportunities in applying for college study and career.

In conclusion
, unpaid community service should be a graduation requirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it offers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits in their future career and life.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people think that it should be mandatory for students to perform unpaid community service to graduate. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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