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Some people consider going to gyms a priority in their life. Others go only when they have time. Which do you think is better and why? v.1

Some people consider going to gyms a priority in their life. Others go only when they have time. Which do you think is better and why? v. 1
In today’s global landscape, where employees are faced with local as well as international opportunities, companies are investing more than ever in controlling their attrition rates. It has become extremely crucial for the human resource department to retain workforce and keep them continuously engaged and happy. One of the challenges in doing so is to keep employees constantly motivated. Motivated employees are more efficient and productive; they take ownership of work and generally outperform resulting in a sense of satisfaction. Many people argue that if employees are compensated well, they will always be motivated whereas, others think that it is not just about money. To exemplify, Daniel Pink, who is a renowned psychologist, has done various studies and researches on this matter and found that it is when people are given a sense of purpose at work, that they feel motivated to accomplish their tasks. Through his studies, he discovered that even though money is imperative for stability, it doesn’t keep employees motivated for too long. Hence, companies should constantly try to challenge their employees with good work, give them ownership and responsibility and ensure that they understand the overall goals of the organisation and their role in helping achieve them. There is also the social factor which plays an important role in engaging employees. After all, humans are social animals. Companies should organise weekly fun activities or occasional team building trips. For instance, many companies have introduced the concept of fun Fridays where people can socialise, watch a movie together, have drinks and make a conversation with people outside of their work teams. Companies also benefit from such activities as it encourages team bonding. In addition, it has also been observed that companies which invest in coaching and training their employees are likely to have a much satisfied workforce. To conclude, retaining workforce requires a multipronged approach. In my opinion, companies should focus on creating a friendly workplace and giving their employees a sense of purpose. Organizations that are invested in their people’s growth will have no difficulty retaining them.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s global landscape, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are faced
with local
as well
as international opportunities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are investing more than ever in controlling their attrition rates. It has become
extremely
crucial for the human resource department to retain workforce and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
continuously
engaged and happy.

One of the challenges in doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
constantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivated
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Motivated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are more efficient and productive; they take ownership of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
generally
outperform resulting in a sense of satisfaction.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are compensated
well, they will always be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivated
whereas, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about money. To exemplify, Daniel Pink, who is a renowned psychologist, has done various studies and researches on this matter and found that it is when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a sense of purpose at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, that they feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivated
to accomplish their tasks. Through his studies, he discovered that
even though
money is imperative for stability, it doesn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivated
for too long.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
constantly
try to challenge their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, give them ownership and responsibility and ensure that they understand the
overall
goals of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
and their role in helping achieve them.

There is
also
the social factor which plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in engaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
After all
, humans are social animals.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
weekly fun activities or occasional team building trips.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have introduced the concept of fun Fridays where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a movie together, have drinks and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a conversation with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
teams.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
also
benefit from such activities as it encourages team bonding.
In addition
, it has
also
been observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
which invest in coaching and training their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are likely to have a much satisfied workforce.

To conclude
, retaining workforce requires a
Possible spelling mistake found.
multipronged
approach. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should focus on creating a friendly workplace and giving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
a sense of purpose.
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
Organizations
that
are invested
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
growth will have no difficulty retaining them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people consider going to gyms a priority in their life. Others go only when they have time. Which do you think is better and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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