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Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion. v.2

Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion. v. 2
In this modern era, where there is a lot of competition among the employers to hire the best and dedicated personnel for their organisation. In order to attract the talented people, organisations these days are offering various benefits to the employees, but there is a strong argument amongst a large section of people. However, I am of the opinion that is the matter to be debated in the light of several factors before any conclusion can be drawn. Firstly, the foremost reason is employees work their midnight oil to achieve the organizational objectives, so it is the duty of the organisation to keep in check the fulfilment of the employee's basic needs. The employees should be given a proper opportunity for entertainment because it will further refresh their mind and boost their confidence to work harder. For example, in some esteemed companies, employees are offered, subscribed memberships of renowned clubs and hotels, so that they can spend quality time with their families. Another point worth mentioning here is this is the only way employees feel connected to their organisations. Nowadays, the lack of talented people has forced organisations to adopt this trend. By providing good and healthy environment to the employees will benefit the organisation in return. For example, if employees have a healthy mind, body and soul, they will work with utmost dedication for the achievement of higher targets. On the contrary, there is a certain group of people who vehemently believe that there is no use of providing all these facilities to their personnel. It is a complete waste of the company's resources and funds because humans have the tendency to switch their jobs for better pay and opportunities. The employees always keep their personal goals and growth above the organisational goals. After analysing both sides of the coin, I am of the opinion that if employees become the part of the organisation, they can work effectively and efficiently. They need to be paid according to their work done and proper incentives in any form can further boost their confidence.
In this modern era, where there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
competition among the employers to hire the best and dedicated personnel for their
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
. In order to attract the talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
these days are offering various benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is a strong argument
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
a large section of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, I am of the opinion
that is
the matter to
be debated
in the light of several factors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any conclusion can
be drawn
.

Firstly
, the foremost reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
their midnight oil to achieve the organizational objectives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is the duty of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of the employee's basic needs. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a proper opportunity for entertainment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
further
refresh their mind and boost their confidence to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
esteemed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are offered
, subscribed memberships of renowned clubs and hotels,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can spend quality time with their families.

Another point worth mentioning here is this is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
feel connected to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. Nowadays, the lack of talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has forced
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
to adopt this trend. By providing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and healthy environment to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will benefit the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
in return.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have a healthy mind, body and soul, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with utmost dedication for the achievement of higher targets.

On the contrary
, there is a certain group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
vehemently
believe that there is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of providing all these facilities to their personnel. It is a complete waste of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's resources and funds
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
humans have the tendency to switch their jobs for better pay and opportunities. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their personal goals and growth above the
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisational' and 'organizational') within a single text.
organisational
goals.

After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
both sides of the coin, I am of the opinion that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
become the part of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
effectively
and
efficiently
. They need to
be paid
according to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
done and proper incentives in any form can
further
boost their confidence.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
342 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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