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Some people consider computers to be more of a hindrance than a help. Others believe that they have greatly increased human potential. How could computers be considered a hindrance? v.3

Some people consider computers to be more of a hindrance than a help. Others believe that they have greatly increased human potential. How could computers be considered a hindrance? v. 3
In this techno-savvy world, the technology such as computers or other electronic gadgets have gained popularity tremendously. Some people believe that utilizing the computer has more disadvantages than the benefits, whereas others opine that such machinery have escalated the human capability. This essay will highlight a few reasons why computers are considered to be an obstacle to mankind. To begin with, children prefer using those technologies all the time, which might result in lowering their academic performances. Younger ones are addicted in playing various video games, watching the series as well as movies or chatting with friends, and without a proper supervision or restriction from their parents will ultimately affect their educational background. For instance, a survey taken recently by the Nepal Education Ministry stated that 37% of school going pupils fail in their respective examinations due to the addiction to such gadgets as well as the workaholic parents with no time for their child. Therefore, deploying a data processor for prolonged period by minor ones hindering their study and the career is a major pitfall that must be corrected, and also has an another reason for such consideration. Furthermore, sometimes the data that are retained in such devices could be hacked by others, and result in a big loss financially. Storing an information in the computers without any anti-theft applications or a program is a principle risk nowadays as the number of hackers and the ratio of such offences has mounted remarkably. To illustrate, recently some hackers from China stole all the funds from a popular bank of Nepal by capturing the password via internet through the laptop used by the manager of the bank because of which the bank is bankrupt and closed now. Thereby, using such electronic machines is extremely dangerous, especially in offices, banks as well as other companies, and should be protected beforehand to prevent any misdeeds. In conclusion, even though those data processors have raised the aptitude of humans in various ways, a few hindrances caused by such machinery should not be neglected, and must be intervened appropriately.
In this techno-savvy world, the technology such as computers or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
electronic gadgets have gained popularity
tremendously
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that utilizing the computer has more disadvantages than the benefits, whereas others opine that such machinery have escalated the human capability. This essay will highlight a few reasons why computers
are considered
to be an obstacle to mankind.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, children prefer using those technologies all the time, which might result in lowering their academic performances. Younger ones
are addicted
in playing various video games, watching the series
as well
as movies or chatting with friends, and without a proper supervision or restriction from their parents will
ultimately
affect their educational background.
For instance
, a survey taken recently by the Nepal Education Ministry stated that 37% of school going pupils fail in their respective examinations due to the addiction to such gadgets
as well
as the workaholic parents with no time for their child.
Therefore
, deploying a data processor for prolonged period by minor ones hindering their study and the career is a major pitfall that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be corrected
, and
also
has
One of these determiners is redundant in this context. Choose only one: "a reason" or "another reason".
an another reason
for such consideration.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the data that
are retained
in such devices could
be hacked
by others, and result in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
loss
financially
. Storing an information in the computers without any anti-theft applications or a program is a principle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
nowadays as the number of hackers and the ratio of such
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
has mounted
remarkably
. To illustrate, recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hackers from China stole all the funds from a popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
of Nepal by capturing the password via internet through the laptop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the manager of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bank
is bankrupt and closed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Thereby, using such electronic machines is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
,
especially
in offices,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banks
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, and should
be protected
beforehand to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
any misdeeds.

In conclusion
,
even though
those data processors have raised the aptitude of humans in various ways, a few hindrances caused by such machinery should not
be neglected
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be intervened
appropriately
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Some people consider computers to be more of a hindrance than a help. Others believe that they have greatly increased human potential. How could computers be considered a hindrance? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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