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Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.8

Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. with this statement? v. 8
Some people are of the opinion that the government should stop funding artwork such as painting and music as these are not a proper use of the money, but instead they should allocate this money into other services that will benefit the people. From my point of view, I completely agree with this notion as this will discourage teenagers from dropping out of school and also improve the infrastructure of the communities. To begin with, there are quite a large number of musicians and artist in every community and spending more money in this sector will have a detrimental effect on the citizens particularly the youngsters. In other words, teenagers are being drawn into the music instead of focusing on their education and as a result of this they are leaving school to become a musician. The government will be encouraging children to drop out of school if they continue to fund them. For example, Norway now has the highest rate of teenage school drop out because their government issuing loans to students who wants to become and artist. On the other hand, a better way to utilize this money will be to improve the infrastructure of the country. That is to say, building more roads, hospitals, companies and airports will bring more benefit than using them in the art sector. Firstly, this will create a lot of jobs for people, thus reducing crime rates and unemployment. Secondly, it will generate more income for the government, which can be used for the development of other things in a country. Furthermore, good roads will decrease the rate of road accident, thereby increasing the life expectancy. To conclude, certain numbers of individuals feel that spending money into entertainments like making music and colouring drawings are not a good use of government money and therefore the money should go into the development of better infrastructure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
funding artwork such as painting and music as these are not a proper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
they should allocate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
services that will benefit the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. From my point of view, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion as this will discourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
from dropping out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the infrastructure of the communities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are quite
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
musicians and artist in every community and spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in this sector will have a detrimental effect on the citizens
particularly
the youngsters. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are
being drawn
into the music
instead
of focusing on their education and
as a result
of this they are leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to become a musician. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will be encouraging children to drop out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
if they continue to fund them.
For example
, Norway
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
has the highest rate of teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
drop out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
issuing loans to students who
Did you mean "want"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'students' should be used.
wants
to become and artist.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, a better way to utilize this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will be to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the infrastructure of the country.
That is
to say, building more roads, hospitals,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and airports will bring more benefit than using them in the art sector.
Firstly
, this will create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
jobs for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
thus
reducing crime rates and unemployment.
Secondly
, it will generate more income for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things in a country.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
roads will decrease the rate of road accident, thereby increasing the life expectancy.

To conclude
, certain numbers of individuals feel that spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into entertainments like making music and
Possible spelling mistake found.
colouring
drawings are not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should go into the development of better infrastructure.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. with this statement? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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